Guilty

Ever have a moment when you feel like you are the worst parent ever?  The older my children get, especially Max, the more and more worried I become that I am not living up to be the best parent I can be.  Max remembers EVERYTHING! He can tell you what happened 2 weeks ago in detail.  So the days of saying "don't worry about that little slip up, he won't remember it by tomorrow" are completely over.  If you tell him you are going to do something, you better do it!

With 3 children under the age of 4 I would be lying if I didn't say that I get pretty stressed sometimes.  Everyday I have to wake up thinking only half of what I wanted to get done will  get done, nothing will go as planned, and I'm gonna be a little tired.  Then I have to be ok with that.  Most days I am completely ok with that, but every now and then we will have a day that everything has to go as planned, such as a dr visit, travel days, or something like family visits.  On these type of days I tend to not have as much patience as I should and that is when I feel like the worst parent ever.  Getting anything done quickly with 3 children ( 2 of which I like to call non-walkers...Yes Jerry can walk, but that doesn't mean he should, his level of distraction is dangerous) is impossible.  Here is the typical situation that tends to happened every single time when are on a time crunch.

Ok we have 10 minutes to get loaded in the car and driving out of the carport.  Kids are dressed, diaper bag packed, and I even have my keys in my hands.  Ok time for shoes.  My children HATE shoes (just like me ) and we prefer to be barefooted all the time and we are unless we have to go to town.  Time to find the shoes and not just any shoes, Max only has one pair he will wear and Jerry is the same way.  After we search under couches, beds, closets, we finally realize the shoes are in the car because the boys always take their shoes off as soon as we drive on our driveway ( so really this is my fault because I always forget we leave them in the car.)

So now everyone has shoes on and we have about 5 minutes to get everyone buckled in, which would be plenty of time for normal children, but not mine.  A strange thing happens when it is time to get in the car.  Max and Jerry can both run and move at rapid speeds, but for some reason when it is time to load up in the car they both move at the speed of an amputee or geriatric person. And this is when I start feeling like a terrible mama.  After a couple of times saying "come on guys we have to move super fast" of even trying to make a game of it telling them to "Fly like superman" or "hop like bunnies" into the car and they are still slowly climbing into the car.  I mean so slow that I have had time to carry Abilene over to the other side of the car, buckle her in, tuck all her blankets in and attach her pacifier, and they are still either climbing in the car or just standing in the aisle of the car and not sitting in their seats.  I HATE yelling.  But for some reason this situation just brings it out in me.  We are running late to something we can't be late for, so I just yell "GET IN THE CAR NOW!" And of course this doesn't even work because they just stare at me like "duh, mom I working on it."  Trying to cool off I will go and lock the house and pray that they are sitting in their seats so I can buckle them in....of course they never are.  With shaking hands and fighting everything I have in me to not grab their little butts and slam them into their plush car seat all I can do is is yell "Why are you so slow?!  Get your shit together and get in your seat!!"

Ok great now I have just said one of their favorite words "shit" and they just love to show me how they can say it at the worst times and I have yelled at my kids twice in less than 10 minutes.  Worst parent award right here.  Then Max looks at me with sad eyes and says "mama please talk nicely to me, its hurts my feelins."  Which is something I tell him all the time when he talks meanly to anyone (which he obviously learned from me) and it always works he immediately feels bad.  I feel so bad for what I did and start to cry because I never want to hurt my children's feelings, I'm over tired, overwhelmed, and lets not forget now we are late.  I crawl in the car give everyone hugs, tell them I am so sorry and I was very wrong to talk to them that way and its never ok to do that.  Finally get everyone buckled in and then I finally get in the car, look at the clock and we are of course leaving late, look in the mirror to back up and I have mascara lines down my face from crying.  Take a few more minutes to fix that and turn on some happy music.  Then I spend the rest of the drive praying for more patience with my children and then thinking how early I need to get up to avoid this whole situation next time.

Now that Max remembers everything, I know he is going to remember this and I can't get it out of my mind.  I set a terrible example, lost my temper, used a word I shouldn't, and probably looked like a psycho in the process. From yelling to crying in less than 2 minutes...psycho!  So the next time Max looses his temper, can I really punish him when I did the same thing?  How do you keep from loosing your temper and running out of patience with your children?  And when you inevitably do, how do you explain that and make up for it?

Exceptionally, selectively distracted

Ever have moments when you are working on one thing and then move to the other and can't remember what you were doing just minutes before that?  Well, I kinda have that, except it only seems to happen when I am cleaning.  I hate cleaning and that is not a secret.  I like to call my house "lived in" "loved" "child friendly" and Reed's ultimate favorite "toddler cleaned"  ( a term I use when the house is clean from about 4 feet up and 4 feet below is an ultimate disaster).


 I like to tell people if you are coming to see me and the kids to come by anytime, but if you are coming by to see the house please give me an advanced notice of 2 weeks and make sure I have a babysitter on duty at another location at least an hour before the visit it about to occur.  My house is very open, which means there is absolutely no where to hide a mess.  Max and I once had to resort to a very drastic measure of shoving clothes and toys into the oven, dishwasher, washer and dryer (all turned off of course) when our social worker gave us little than an hour notice that she was stopping by to do our placement report.  Now I know that she would not call me an unfit mother because I have laundry on the couch and toys all over the floor, but I don't want that forever cemented into all our adoption paperwork and reports.  This is the only time I ever felt self conscious about my house keeping.

Normally, I am very relaxed with the way my house is kept.  We live here and we have a lot of fun.  I am not the type to stop the fun to sweep up a play doh mess before we move on to building a dinosaur safari...hey maybe the dog will even eat it before I get around to sweeping :)  However, I come from a family who only feels comfortable living in museum worthy conditions.  My mom and dad are possibly the most clean, organized, and best house keepers on the planet.  No idea where they have all this super cleaning energy and powers, but they always have had it.  I know they love me unconditionally and will support everything I do, but I can just see the cringe on their face when my 2 biggest mess makers enter the room.  Its like their internal voice is screaming "HIDE THE VALUABLES!!"  And I can't blame them in the slightest, I hide everything that is dear to me too :)

Reed tends to work pretty late so luckily he doesn't get to see a lot of the mess.  The boys and I pick up toys before supper and we sweep the floor only twice a day.  Once before Reed comes home and then after I put them to bed I sweep up the supper mess.  Reed working late is actually good because he likes a house to be kept like my parents like a house to be kept and that is where the dilemma occurs.

When I try to clean ALL DAY LONG I get so distracted.  Its not all my fault.  Max and Jerry always come running into the laundry room with the best updates on whatever game they are playing, such as, Max would run in saying "The pirates crashed the boat." and then Jerry would run in minutes later screaming "treasure!!" So I start thinking pirates and treasure!!  Wow I wonder what they are using for treasure and who is the good and bad pirate...wonder if I can pretend to be a mermaid in this game...hey boys wait for me!!  And laundry is completely forgotten.  Maybe I will remember the laundry 2 games later when we are making a cave out of sheets and I will think...where are all our sheets?!!  Oh yeah laundry...crap.  I never get distracted unless it is cleaning.  I just don't like it.  You would think I would just get it over with because if I don't I am punished in 2 ways:
1.) I have to stay up until 11-12 at night cleaning up everything I should have done earlier.
2.) I have to hear Reed say the 2 most dreaded words in my personal dictionary "messy" and "organized"  Such as, "Maybe the house wouldn't appear to be so MESSY if you just had a more ORGANIZED system of cleaning"

The marker on his face and hands will soon be all over the house...curse of the washable marker... it comes off everything but also rubs onto everything else in the process. 

Looks like someone(Jerry) got out of control with his coloring

Yes, that is a child climbing through freshly laundered and folded blankets...such a waste of time!  I should have just piled it all in the crib where nobody could reach it!

    I will give him credit for saying appears to be messy instead of just straight out saying it is messy, which it is not, but I really hate those words!!  My house is very sanitary.  You will not find dirt, bugs, or anything disgusting lying around, however, you will find, toys, slightly sticky toys, random play doh sculptures, dogs, tents/forts, laundry piles, and sometimes unmade beds.

I am trying my best to keep the house more up to Reed's standards.  I have started setting a timer and it says I have to clean the house for 10 solid minutes randomly throughout the day.  Max refers to these minutes as "Mama's timeout"  and I dread them as much as Max and Jerry dread timeout.  So far I have been able to focus for 10 minutes and it is getting better, but 10 minutes is by far my limit.

So remember if you ever stop by remember my house is very lived in and if that offends you, well, I guess you can wait outside.  That is the best I can offer.  I will keep a super museum worthy clean house when my kids are grown up...maybe :)

Thanksgiving strategies...

I absolutely LOVE holiday food!  Dressing, turkey, and candied sweet potatoes are a few of my favs...and a special little family recipe of something we simply call "Pink Stuff" (essentially its cranberries, whipping cream and tiny marshmallows).  All full of carbs, calories, sugar and just delicious.

Married life brings a lot of fun and during the holidays calories.  2 huge Thanksgiving meals in less than a 1 week!!  I feel like I can just look at food and gain an instant 10 pounds.  Fortunately and unfortunatley, both sides of my family are exceptionally great cooks who seem to only know how to prepare food in bulk, so its not just one tempting meal I have to "just say no" to, but its tons of snacks, lunches and ongoing treats for at least a week.

After having children I am extremely hard on myself and my appearance.  I hate the way my body has changed and still have a pair of impossibly small jeans hanging in my closet waiting for the day that I might wish my way into fitting into them.  Then I have to remember that in a short 2 years I lost 112 pounds.  That is something to be proud of, but it is hard to see past when I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted and indulge in my sweet tooth.  Now I can't even sample desserts without my midsection bloating up like a blimp.  So the holiday season and I have a love/hate relationship.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE all the food and absolutely hate playing the battle of wills of deciding whether or not I should eat something.

Luckily, last year I found a way to keep the pounds off and still be able to enjoy the right amount of food without completely undoing a diet and so far it has seemed to work to work this year as well.  Instead of breaking out the stretchy pants for our Thanksgiving day celebrations I bring out the tightest jeans I have...I mean serious muffin top if I am the least bit bloated...or sitting...or slouching.  Everytime I sit down to take a bite I will remember exactly why I am only having a few bites just by looking down at my midsection.  Then absolutely no sweats allowed for a whole week so I won't be tempted to snack around.  Nothing puts motivation in me to workout and not eat terribly bad food than having to wear clothes that show too much imperfection.

I know I sound crazy most of the time, but what woman doesn't have moments where she hates her body?!  I am slowly working on accepting the way I look and just be happy at the size I am, but it is of course a work in progress.

National Adoption Month

In 1984 President Ronald Reagan proclaimed a "National Adoption Week, " fortunately just nine years later President Bill Clinton, who was adopted himself, declared November as National Adoption Month.  Surprisingly adoption is still not an issue many people are informed about.  A lot of people have a weird view on adoption ranging from good to bad...mostly bad.  I personally think they have watched way too many lifetime movies where the birthmother is always bad and evil,  coming back to "steal" her child or the adoptive parents are portrayed as baby buying, Stephford-ish type of families who would literally rip a newborn baby out of a woman's arms and throw cash at her as they run out the door.   When in reality, most birthmothers are so thankful for the adoptive family and the adoptive family has the utmost respect for the birthmother.

Hopefully with time and exposure more people will be aware of what adoption is really like.  National Adoption month is a time to spread awareness, help potentially adoptive families, help birthfamilies, and focus on children who are in need of forever families.

                    A little about Birthmothers:

I am so thankful for our birthmother!  The day she called to let us know she picked our family changed our life forever.  She took care of my daughter before I was able to.  She grew her and kept her safe and healthy and then lovingly handed her to me to join our family.  She made an amazingly mature decision at a very young age of 16.  Our birthmother made it possible for me to have a daughter, Max & Jerry to have a sister, & and Reed to have a little daddy's girl .  She gave us one of the greatest gifts and I will be forever grateful.  Relationships with birthmothers are different for everyone and our semi-open relationship is working great for us so far.

      3 Type of relationships:
         1.) Open- Just as the name open implies, they know everything about you and you know everything about them.  They know where you live, last names, phone numbers, and visits.  This relationship works best for some families.
         2.) Semi-open- You have contact with the birthmother through emails and 800- numbers, you send updates at designated times, and sometimes visits occur in a place other than a home town.  Basically they don't know specific identifying information about you and you don't know specific things about them.
        3.) Closed- In this type of adoption, which is pretty rare now, the adoptive parents do not ever meet the birthparents, contact never happens and obviously visits are never going to happen in the future.

Every family has to make the decision about which is right for you.  Just remember, it is always easier to give a little instead of take back.

While our birthmother was amazing, not all birthmothers are great people.  Thank God for birthmothers who truly have the best intentions at heart!  Everyone needs to be aware of the not so pretty side of adoption...not all birthmothers have good intentions.  You would be surprised what these women do while they are pregnant.  Frequent drug and alcohol use, dangerous activities, and transmittable diseases are just a few of the bad things that could go wrong in an adoption.

  God bless those families who are able to understand these women and adopt a baby who is fighting against all odds before they are even born.  My point is not one birthmother is alike and every situation is unique.  The part of adoption that can tend to be the most difficult and often times the most miscued aspect of adoption is for sure birthmothers and the relationships adoptive families develop with birthmothers and their family.  I encourage anyone who wants to know more about birthmothers to actually call an agency and ask questions, talk to adoptive families or talk to a birthmother.

A few things I didn't think about...

When we started the adoption process I thought I was completely prepared.  I did my research, talked to people who have adopted and read countless books.  Once we were matched we read every thing we could get our hands on about parenting the adopted child, explaining adoption to siblings, fostering birthparent relationships, and many other books about specific adoption aspects.  However, there were many many things that these books didn't even mention!

Ok, so now she is here...finally!!  We are living in a big bubble of new baby bliss so we didn't really think a lot about how other people would react or even comment on our new family member.

The first comment we encountered and still encounter almost daily, especially when we go out of town

          "Wow you look great for just having a baby!"

What do you say to that?!  If you say, "oh she was adopted" then I feel like I am singling out my new daughter from the rest of the family and already making her different.  Plus, these complete strangers then take this as an opening to comment on what they think about adoption or ask inappropriate questions!  I don't know you!!!  Say she is cute and move on!  However, if I just smile and say thank you, then I feel like I am lying and also giving women serious misconceptions about getting a body back after having a baby!  Recovering from pregnancy sucks and it takes almost half a year to a year to even fit in normal people pants...not to mention the hormones!  So when a mom with a newborn comes up to me and says how good I look for just having her I don't want to lie.  I have decided to take the route of just saying thank you, I'm not a people person and you get less of a conversation from that.

Comment number 2

            "She looks so different than your boys!  Where does she get that dark hair, skin...etc."

So are you inadvertently accusing me of stepping out on my husband or just being weirdly nosey.  Now lets remember these people are strangers, so even if I said something like, " oh she looks like my mom, " which is what I usually say,  its not like they will know who or what my mom looks like.  Just a little confused why they are even asking.  Again, lets just agree she is adorably cute and move on with life.


Comments from people that know I have adopted but are not really even close to me at all or we have maybe only spoke once or twice in my lifetime are usually the worst.  Sometimes they are meant to be complimentary, but its just hard to know how to react.

               "She is so lucky to have you as a family"

Thank you so much for thinking my family is awesome, but we are the lucky ones.  I realize that this is meant to be a nice thing to say, but I really don't know what to say.  You don't say this to biological children!  I never had someone come up to me when Max or Jerry was a baby and say that.  Thank you so much for the compliment, but we love her so much and we feel like the blessed ones to have her in our life.

                 "So what is going to happen when she wants to talk to her real mother?"

Well I guess she will just walk over to me and talk to me.  Yes, I am her real mother!  I missed out on a total of 20 minutes of her life.  She only knows me as a mother, not the women who was basically an incubator for 9 months.  No disrespect to our birthmother, but she is not Abilene's mother.  When Abilene gets older and if she would like to speak with her belly mom, it will be a family matter and decision.  It is a sensitive subject and something that needs to be discussed throughly throughout Abilene's life.  I understand adoption is still not a thing that happens a lot, but common sense would tell you that the birthmother is never ever referred to as "the real mother."  That is just insulting and hurtful.  I mean my 2 other children are sitting there and listening.  What do you think they are thinking when they hear some crazy person say I am not a real mother.

I openly welcome anyone to ask me about adoption if you really want to know, especially if you are looking to adopt.  I know how scary and weird the whole thing is, but it seems like strangers really need to learn some manners and common sense.  When we get home we of course laugh at the situations, but in the moment I would be lying if I said it was not stressful.  Just had to vent and giggle at the complete stupidity of people in the world

Grocery store lessons

It is absolutely amazing what trips to the grocery store can teach me!  I have to admit that I was pretty terrified of our first grocery store shopping trip with just me and the kids.  Public humiliation because of kids having temper tantrums, or me looking completely inadequate were my biggest fears, but I knew this was something I just had to figure out and get done.  I seriously had the conversation with Reed before bed discussing the logistics of how I will get the groceries and 3 nonwalkers (what we refers to our children as many times.  Yes 2 of them can walk, but not productively.  It would takes years to get the shopping done if they walked).  I knew I would either have to have 2 carts, the children cart and the grocery cart...or attach Abilene in her Moby and arrange the groceries around Max and Jerry just as I have done before.  Reed immediately ruled out the 2 cart situations because in his words, "You are a terrible driver!  There is no way you can handle 2 carts."  So we decided that the second option was the way to go.  He wished me good luck and said, "better you than me," and peacefully fell asleep.  Meanwhile, I stayed up a bit longer in fear of what this shopping trip might hold.

If it seems strange to you to be in this much fear about grocery shopping then you clearly do not have children like mine.  Jerry thinks that almost the whole store is a buffet and wants to open EVERYTHING before we even get home.  Max is great about sneaking secret items into the cart. Before I know it I have somewhere between 5-15 extra items that I don't even need (the funniest time was when we ended up with 7 jars of olives...gross!)  They are both getting to the age to where tantrums are not as frequent but they are also getting very active imaginations.  I often think they view the cart as a cage for their ultimate fighting championships.  They wrestle a lot at home, but for some reason the wrestling is taken to a whole new level once they enter their arena of the shopping cart. As a mom it is my job to raise "normal", healthy, and happy humans and I hate for it to appear as if I am not doing my job because my kids tend to act like kids!

The first time I went to the grocery store it was semi-productive with only one minor disaster of Jerry placing my phone in the fruit section of the grocery store. I can remember telling him to please hold my phone and then one things leads to the other and we get to Jerry's favorite part of the grocery store, or as I call it Jerry's buffet, and before I know it he is trying to sample grapes, apples and even lemons.  Somewhere in this my phone is sat down in one of the fruit bins.   Thankfully someone was kind enough to turn my phone in and it wasn't lost forever like I thought it would be.

It was semi weird putting the moby wrap on in the parking lot before we walked into the grocery store...which lead me to the first lesson in going to the store with 3 children.

1.)  Put the wrap on at HOME!  It is cleaner there (usually), so when the wrap inevitably drags the ground at least it is in the house and not in the parking lot.  Plus you don't get any strange looks from judgmentally weird people who seem to think that mother and children should be neither seen nor heard in public places.  It is kinda weird driving to town with the wrap on and no baby inside it, but far more worth it!
  ** Side note- I can't wait to use the Ergo, but she is more comfy in the Moby right now, so that is what we use. Hopefully in a month she will like the Ergo better**

There are several things that you do not need in a grocery store that for some reason I used to carry along:

2.)  There is absolutely no reason to carry in the whole diaper bag. As long as each child has their pacifier that is all we need.  I have no idea why I am just now figuring this out.  Did I seriously think if one of my children needed a diaper change I would change their diaper in aisle 3?!  Of course we would just go to the car.  No reason for that huge bag.

3.)  No wallet..No problem.  That is what pockets are made for!  All I need is my debit card and it fits perfectly in my pocket.  Why risk loosing my entire financial world (my wallet) in the grocery store when I am just needing a tiny card to complete the whole trip?

4.)  You DO NOT need your phone!  I doubt any major emergency is going to occur in the 30-45 minutes I am in the grocery store.  Mainly because most emergencies that would concern me are in my cart and attached to my body.  If someone (my husband) forgets to put something on the list or needs to tell me something to get last minute he is pretty much SOL and going to the store later to get whatever slipped his mind.  It took Jerry loosing my phone for me to realize that I didn't need it anyways.

I have only been to the store 4 times with all 3, so I am very sure I will learn a lot more.  Any helpful advice out there I would love to hear.

A very short story about our adoption

I am soooo happy to say that I now have a family of 5!  We got the call that our birthmother was in labor at about 5 in the morning.  By 3 in the afternoon our daughter was born.  We missed the birth by a short 20 minutes.  You would think I would be upset about that, but once I saw her I didn't care one bit, I was just sooo happy that I was there.  Holding her for the first time was an amazing experience with mixed emotion that I think you only understand once you are in the adoption situation.  Thankfully, according to Pennsylvania these mixed emotions only lasted 3 days and the long awaited day to carry our daughter out of the hospital had arrived.

I have never heard of the term "baby bunching" until we left the hospital with Abilene.  As we were walking out with Abilene in her car seat, Jerry on my hip and Max holding my hand, a nurse stops us to say, "As a fellow baby buncher, I wish you the best of luck and happiness!"  I was still in shock that I was actually leaving the hospital with my new daughter I just smiled and said "thank you so much."  I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

We spent almost 2 weeks in Pennsylvania  waiting for everything to finalize and thankfully Abilene was in that perfect little newborn stage where she slept about 22 hours out of the day.  It was a bit hard being in a state with ABSOLUTELY nothing to do.  Autumn was able to stay with us for the first week (and I could not have made it through the first week emotionally or physically without her!!) and she helped me get pretty creative on activities.  After spending some time watching the Olympics, soon the house we had rented was turned into a track and field stadium.  We created the hurdle event by stacking books, Max enjoyed pretending to long jump over the rugs and Jerry seemed to create his own event of spinning in circles until he fell over.
The one thing we really benefited from having to stay in Pennsylvania that long was we became expert packers and finding ways to travel around with all 3.  The double stroller is a must, the moby wrap, and the diaper bag has to be a backpack.  We tried to create the last week of Pennsylvania like it was a vacation, but adoption is stressful and we wanted to get home.  We spent time in Philadelphia, Scranton, Wilkes Barre, and Blakeslee.  We were only 3 hours from New York city, but we were not able to cross state lines, so it was a huge tease to have all these fun things soooo close and unable to go.

We finally got the call that we were allowed to go home while we were looking at the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia.  Reed and I 100% looked like complete idiots with our random white dancing moves (with Abilene attached to me) and Max and Jerry mimicking our moves and singing Old Mac Donald.  After a few strange looks from many people we finally calmed down enough to call Mom and Dad and let them know we could come home.  My mom is possibly the best planner ever because in less than 24 hours we were home!  We splurged and stayed at a hotel near the airport that had room service and movies on demand.  We celebrated by ordering delicious food and watching a movie (The Lorax) in bed with my new family of 5!  

Once we finally got home it was such a huge relief that I felt like for the first time I was able to take a deep breath.  You couldn't pay me to complete a domestic adoption again!  I am happy and extremely grateful for the end result of having a beautifully perfect daughter, but the adoption process sucks.  I think deep down we would love more children, but neither one of us would never, ever, ever touch domestic adoption again.   Our birthmother is amazing and we will love her for the rest of our lives, but making sure boundaries are created and respected is extremely difficult and awkward.  I completely understand why many people chose to adopt internationally.  We are very happy with our 3 children under the age of 4...and at the moment we are done.  We consider our family complete now and we are very happy about it.

Olympics!

I am completely, totally, absolutely nuts about the Olympics!  How can you not be?!  You only get to enjoy this amazing display of dedication and athleticism every 4 years.

However, my husband is not a fan :( He actually said last night while I was biting my nails off watching the swimming, "I wonder how much that gold metal would be worth if they sold it?  If I had one I would for sure sell it."  Blasphemy!!!  To his defense, he is not really into sports. If he gets to watch a game great, but if we can't fit it in, its not a big deal either.  Most of his olympic comments are hilarious and keep me laughing or from getting upset at the scoring...especially the gymnastic scoring!

Pretty pumped to watched the women's gymnastics tonight and I think Reed is excited to watch whatever he wants to watch in the other room :)

My least favorite sport to watch has to be Ping Pong...sooooo boring!  And I have too many favorites to name.  Women's Rowing is fixing to start now and I fully intent to enjoy watching during naptime!  Anybody have a favorite?

Rough and Tough

The older my boys get the harder it is to say we all made it through the day without injury.  My boys are rough, tough, and just out right reckless... with a touch of creativity and imagination.  I admit it, but I used to judge mothers of little boys who were always in the emergency room, doctor's office or calling poison control.  I would sit around and judge (yes of course I was childless at the time) and think, "why don't you just watch your children?!" "How hard could it be to keep someone from busting their nose open for one day?!"  As it turns out, it is pretty hard!  And from what I hear, it only gets harder.

Outside fun that turned into eye injuries shortly after I took this picture!

Trust me, I watch my children very closely and sometimes I don't even know how the injuries happen!  I don't let them play or do anything that has a statistically high rate of injury... like climbing on ladders, playing with power tools, playing with matches, running with anything sharp, or a ton of other things that I can't even think of at the moment.  BUT I do let them run, climb smaller trees and basically just play.  I do this because I can seriously leave them in a room with nothing but a blanket and some pillows for nap time and the next thing I know someone is crying about their arm hurting. They come up with these amazingly creative games but there is always something included that could possibly result in injury.  They wrestle, jump, karate, dinosaur fight, bear hunt, and tie on towels as capes and try out their flying skills and that is the activities they come up with just in the morning time before nap!  I know I could probably stop them from playing so rough, but then I will end up raising a wimpy little sissy boy who likes to sit around and watch tv and play video games...that type of personality would not survive around here.

They never bully each other or seek out to hurt one another, but in the midst of all their playing someone is going to get hurt and I always pray that it will be minor.  You can judge me all you want, but once you have little boys you will realize that boys will be boys.  Thankfully we have had minor injuries in the house (busted noses, lips, scrapes) and only one major head bump that we thought was going to result in stitches, but I know the day is coming that someone is going to break something, I can just pray that its not a major bone like a leg.  I always find comfort in talking to these Moms who have stories to tell that are funny now, but at the time they thought they were going to get turned in because their boys always had bruises all over their legs and arms.  I know I am not a negligent mother who doesn't pay attention to her kids, but it is always nice to have reassurance from amazing mothers who pat me on the shoulder and say, "its ok, these things happen to every mother.  If you put them in a padded room and only let them play with approved toys they are not really even living!"  Its also very interested to listen to grown men talk about their fun times with their brother and in almost every story one or both brothers comes out with an injury that they think is funny.

Yes my kids have bruises and scrapes and a lot of times one of them will probably be bleeding before the day is over, but we also have a whole lot of fun.  When I just had Max I would have freaked out over any type of injury, but now I see it as just one of those things that are going to happen and you can only pray that God will protect you children from big injuries.

Doesn't that face look like he is up to NO good?!

Coming to tell me his nose hurts...wonder why?!  

Don't be completely like me...

I have a lot of fears for my children.  What normal parent doesn't?!  Some of my fears are irrational, uncontrollable, or a little neurotic, but I have a few that are pretty normal.  One of my fears isn't necessarily scary, but it is more concerning.  I do NOT want my children to have to suffer through shyness or have the ability to become a constant and willing doormat.

One of the traits I hate most about myself is my complete shyness. It can come off as snobby, rude, or disinterested, when in actuality it is just fear of being socially accepted.  Many people, my husband included, are the type of people who just know what to do in social situations and think that shyness is something that is easy to overcome...it's NOT.  Practice does not make perfect.  It can actually make it worse due to the fact when you are thrown into a situation and you do not know what normal protocol is for this situation you will basically just shut down out of fear of embarrassment and be back to square one.

So more to my point... I am sooooo scared that one of my children will be shy.  I am doing everything in my power to make it so they won't be, but at some point I am beginning to wonder if it is genetic.  One of the many reasons I had children close together in age was so they would always grow up knowing how to interact with people close to their age group.  I send them to "school" (which is a small daycare) once a week so they will be around other children, even though our pediatrician told me not to expect too much out of either one of them until they enter "school age" about 4 or 5.  I have been sending both of them since they turned 1 year old...I figured it was never too early to start.  I just can't bear to watch Max, who is already acting a little shy, look down at the ground when people talk to him or only want to play with me and his brother no matter who else is around.  It makes me feel so sad for him when I ask if he wants to go play with his friends and his answer is "no I so scared."  Is this a stage?  Is it genetic?  Is it observed behavior?

The other trait that just sucks to live with is letting people use you as a doormat.  Sitting up and shutting up to not cause waves just sucks!  Why is it that I would rather someone else belittle me than cause a big stink about it?  Why does it take so much for me to say anything and at that point I am so very pissed that the damage is almost irreparable? I like to look on the positive side and say I am very tolerant, patient and easy going, but when you cut the shit and just tell it like it is, I am a push-over 95% of the time.  I am definitely not a push-over type of parent.  I have very strict rules, but within those strict rules I allow freedom.  Yes it sounds contradictory, but trust me it works.  But socially, I am a push-over.

I do not want my children to go through life telling their friends, "I don't care what do you want to eat, do, see, etc.." When in actuality sometimes they really do care.  I especially don't want them to have to put up with little punks who like to take little jabs at them daily.   Where do you draw the line?  How do you teach your children not to be a push-over but at the same time be tolerant, compassionate, and considerate?  How do you teach them that it is ok to have an opinion or need sometimes, but you just need to find the right and appropriate ways to express these? I don't want my children to be treated like a doormat, but I also don't want them to act like a spoiled toddler or later in life a bully.

Anyways, these are just the parenting issues that have been keeping me up at night lately.

What did I just do?!

I never thought this would happen, but we officially turned down a match!  I just knew that I would never be strong enough to recognize a bad situation and turn it down, but we actually did it.

Birthmother was due in November, with a little girl...so everything sounded perfect.  Then little details start emerging that just didn't fit with our family.  It would have been selfish to accept.  She asked us 3 times to reconsider, so I didn't just say no once, I had to say no 3 times!  I'm not sure if God was testing my strength or faith, but I know it was not the right thing for us.

Hopefully the right match will come along for us soon.  I am getting very anxious, especially now.  I know I did the right thing, but it is just hard to see an opportunity pass you by.  I sit and think about it all the time, trying to make sense out of the whole thing. I really hope that the expectant mother finds the right family for the baby and even more I really hope the right baby finds our family.

This is my Choice

Not many people get to go to work and just love their job, I am lucky enough to absolutely love being a house wife.  My family and husband have given me the opportunity to have the best job EVER! I went to college and changed my degree about a zillion times because it was impossible to find a degree that fit what I really wanted to do...stay at home raising children, keeping the house somewhat together, and cooking for my family.

So to my point, I am NOT stupid!  I am a house wife by choice.  This is all I ever wanted to do.  I hate when you are around a bunch of judgmental jerks and they ask what you do and then scoff when your answer is "I'm a housewife."  Well excuse me for not living up to your standards, but I think raising tiny humans is pretty damn impressive.  I work all day, everyday, no days off, and when everyone else is off from "work" for holidays, well that is my busiest time.  I heard a house wife friend once say that she is a "domestic engineer," and I thought it was brilliant!  All the women I know that are housewives are incredibly talented, brilliant, resourceful, and above all tolerant and patient.  

A little understanding would be nice.  I understand that you are busy, you have kids and a job...so do I.  I don't roll my eyes or ask judgmental questions when I hear that you are a teacher, lawyer, or have a desk job.  I am just a little confused why it is ok to ask a house wife, "Don't you ever feel like your life has no purpose?" or "oh, you didn't graduate college?" or "Whats it like to sit at home all day?"  If you were joking and I actually knew you then this would be ok, but it is not ok to do this to a person you have barely met.  Manners please.  If I was your Mama I would have taught you better.

I don't go around asking "working women,"  "What does it feel like to have someone else raise your child?" or " Why did you even have children?" We all choose to live our life differently and I am a house wife by choice.  This is what I love thank you very much.  

Growing in my heart

"Adoption means you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy."

I heard this wonderful quote today and I thought it was the most absolute perfect way of describing adoption not only to a child, but really to anyone.  Adoption is tough, heart breaking, and a little bit mind numbing.  There are so many bad people out there in the world that are just there to take advantage of hopeful adoptive families and the agencies are no different.  We absolutely refuse to work with any agency that bases their fee on the child's race.  How is this not baby buying?!  So I can welcome a caucasian baby into my home for about $30,000 but if you want an african american baby we can make it happen for about $15-20,000!  That is insane and wrong on soooooo many levels.  I really don't know how these people sleep at night.  And lets not even get me started on the U.S. Foster system...I have nothing good to say to these people.  

Pregnancy was hard and in my case life threatening, but if I could do it all over again just to avoid this 3 ring circus of adoption I would.  Reed and I both have a very deep desire to adopt, we feel that it is just something we are meant to do, but that doesn't make it any easier. I know I will love our adopted child exactly the same as I love my biological children...I know this because I already love this potential child soooo much that it is heartbreaking that she hasn't found her way to our family yet.  I may not be pregnant, but I feel like I have the hormones of a pregnant woman.  Technically we are "paper pregnant."  All the work is done, we are just waiting for the life changing call.  Hopefully it will come soon before I loose my mind.    

Running was sooo much easier when I was in high school!

 I first started running in high school.  I basically started because one day I was running our required 1 mile for basketball practice and after I was done with that mile I realized I wasn't tired, so I just kept running...3 miles later and I was hooked.

Fast forward 7 years.....

Running is HARD!  If I take 2 weeks off because I am busy or even 2 days off because I am tired my whole body is going to tell me about it.  I never experienced this until after I had babies.  Pregnancy is tough on the body, especially if you just treat pregnancy as a free pass on eating whatever and doing whatever you want, which is exactly what I did.  I was never a fast runner, even in high school.  8 or 9 minute miles were good for me because I just ran and ran for a long time, some people made fun and said I was slow, but if I really wanted to I could run to town and back and not be tired.  So 7 years, 2 babies, and LOTS of weight later it would make sense that I would still be slow, but I would like to be faster than I am now.  If I am not paying attention and just enjoying the run I will run a very slow 11 minute mile...pathetic I know.  If I am focused 10 minute miles is the pace I like to run at, but I would like it to be faster.

I went to Luke's locker (and runner will know that its the best place on Earth!) and told them about my problem.  They suggested I change shoes!  I have been running in Asics ever since I started running and have had no complaints until after pregnancy.  After I had my babies, my feet had grown a size and a half and I switched to Nike's because they just felt better...so now they were wanting me to switch again!  They pointed me in the direction of the Nike Run Free.   They said that they will make my feet stronger and maybe that will increase my time, so I gave them a try.

The first 2 weeks my feet were screaming mad at me!  I had crams in the souls of my feet just randomly through the day, my toes hurt at their joints and I felt like I had stone bruises.  Unfortunately, this is just all part of the process of making your feet strong again.  Yep, the muscles in your feet can get very sore and gain strength.  Now, I have been running in these shoes for 3 months and I LOVE them!  If I put on regular running shoes my feet feel restricted and so does the rest of my body movement.  I am proud to say that I can now run an 11 minute mile pushing the boys and a 9:30 mile not pushing the boys.  I am not able to keep that pace up, but eventually I will be able to if I just stay with it.  My feet have also shrunk in size now...guess my feet were fat and out of shape too!  I wear a whole size smaller in shoes again...weird I know.  There is one con about this shoe-  If you are running on a road that has a lot of gravel, sometimes little rocks get caught in the grooves of the shoes and it will eventually start to hurt your feet if you don't stop and pick the rock out, but other than that, I have no complaints.  I am thinking about running the 5K at the Owa Chito, but I really suck at 5K's and don't want to embarrass myself...plus that is a really hard run lol.  We will see what happens, but if I do run it you can count on me being at the back of the pack because lets face it, I am slow, but at least I try :)

Time magazine cover

So I am a little late on posting this, but I'm busy so I get to it when I get to it.

I hear that this Time magazine cover is causing quiet a stir.  So what I am basically getting from it is that people are upset that she is chosing to be a committed mother and doing what she believes is best for her son.  She is not an absent mother, a drug addict, or a felon... she is still breastfeeding her son at the age of 3.  How appauling!

I am a fan of the attachment parenting philosophy, so yes I am a little biased, but I think we should applaud this woman for being this committed to her children.  Anyone who has ever breastfed knows how big of a committment it is!  Why in the world is she being criticised?  I guess I just don't get it.  Yes, I can see how it could be perceieved as a little strange to those people who sexualize breastfeeding or even go so far as to say its disguisting, but it is not a disturbing image.  I could have never breastfed my children this long, I was at my limit at 9 months, and trust me, I was counting down the days for my children to slowly wean themselves off, it is seriously tough work!


I for sure think Time was going for the shock and aw when they chose this cover.

They could have chose this one instead and it would probably have gotten a completely different reaction.

These are some of the other pictures that were inside the magazine

I have experienced this same situation!  The airline didn't actually say to get off, but they very much looked disturbed.  

I just think that people should leave this woman and all the other mothers (good mothers) alone.  If the media and the world would put just half as much effort into saving orphans and adoption awareness instead of harping on this magazine cover then the world would be a much better place.

Toddlers can say some cray things!

I think my boys are the funniest people I have ever been around!  I have no idea where they get it from and I especially have no idea where they come up with the things they say.

Lately, Max has been a bit rebellious and he is showing it in the craziest way.  Here is how a dialogue with a rebellious Max:

me- "Hey Max, would you like something to eat?
Max-"Nah.  Lets gobble cookies."
me- "How about lets decided either apples or grapes."
Max-"No mom! Max can't eat grapes-apples no NEVER!"

Everything is "No NEVER!"  This word "never" has just come out of the blue and I don't even remember saying it around him, so I am not sure how he even heard it.  He says it with such conviction that it is pretty humorous and takes everything I have not to crack up laughing...especially when "never" is not even a close to appropriate response to a question or situation.  Such as, anytime Jerry does something Max is not a fan of, Max's response is, "No Jerry NEVER!" and just walks away.  No idea what this "never" is that he is referring to, but as soon as he says it, he is pretty much over it.

"Awe I miss you miss me"
     Translation: I miss you

"But I lobe it"
     Translation: Max really suddenly has an intense love for something, especially if you just told him no about it.

"Awe so happy you me are."
     Translation:  This is a tough one coming from my little Yoda.  Sometimes he means he is so happy and then sometimes he means I should be happy for whatever he just did.  It can also mean he or me will be so happy if we do something.

"I stuck in the gooeys honeys"
    Translation: He means to say, "I'm stuck in the gooey honey." Which he uses when he doesn't want to move or do something I ask.  He is suddenly stuck in honey and can't do what I ask.

*of course Max has a ton of funny phrases, but as I sit down to write this I am forgetting all of them.  I'm sure I will be reminded very very soon.*

Jerry is really stuck on the phrase "Help me!"  He uses it for any and every situation.  He says it really loudly and very determined.  It is impossible to ignore, which is probably his point.  He is also saying "awe its cute" for anything he likes.  Tonight at supper his mashed potatoes was "awe its cute."  And Jerry has a completely fail safe response for everything...he simply repeats the last word you say and then says "right."

me-"Jerry do you want to take a bath."
Jerry-"bath right."

me-"Is it breakfast time?"
Jerry-"Breakfast right."

Who can argue with a response like that?!

Jerry is a man of few words, but he always seems to get his point across.

My Happy Little Man

Max playing "Kitties dress up."

My very brief return to life without children...kinda

  Date nights in our house is basically a very, super special occasion type of thing because my parents are very, very busy, so asking them to babysit for a date night is not something we like to do and we only have 1 babysitter we really trust (and there is no way I am saying who she is because we don't want anyone to steal her lol).  Our favorite, and only, baby sitter is an outstanding student and extremely responsible, so as you can imagine she is involved in basically everything and is very busy most of the time.  So when she is available to watch the boys for us we feel extremely lucky.

 Basically for me, it is toddler time all the time.  So when Reed proposed the idea that we go on an adult only vacation with our friends...his way of saying, "no you can't bring the boys with us!", I was a little frightened about leaving the boys.  Granted, I REALLY needed a break.  Its bad to say, but the boys were getting on my nerves and I'm about 100% positive that I was getting on their nerves too.  I was nervous about leaving because its summer time, so I knew they would probably be swimming without me and I wasn't sure how they would react to me being gone for a long trip (Thursday afternoon to Monday night).  I told Reed that if he really wanted us to go that he has to make all the arrangements ( I was pretty confident he wouldn't put in the time to do that, so I thought I was safe!)  The next thing I know, he has everything all lined out and I can't find a single flaw...so I have no choice but to go, and I have to admit that deep down I did want to go.

Once we got to Destin I was so excited to be there.  I missed my boys terribly, but I knew they were having fun, so I thought I might as well have fun too.  It took some adjustments to get used to a routine that I haven't lived in about 4 years.  We have a very strict routine at home: wake up at 6:45, lunch at 11:30, nap at 12:30, snack at 3, supper at 6:30 and bed time between 8 and 8:
30.  This would definelty not be the type of schedule our friends would be on for their vacation, so we shouldn't be on that schedule either.  So it got me thinking about the things you can't do when you have kids that people without children probably take for granted:

Eating whenever you want and choosing a restaurant on something that is not based on the kids menu, play place facilities, or whether or not its a child friendly environment.

When you get up at our house you hit the ground running because breakfast is the first thing my growing boys start screaming for.  However, on our vacation I didn't even have to eat breakfast if I didn't want to :)

Remembering how restful the beach can be.  With the boys its constant sand castles, running, and swimming.  It was so nice to sit on the beach and just relax with a good book.

Sleeping whenever you want!

Not planning.

I didn't step on a single lego, dinosaur or matchbox car on the way to the bathroom...or ever the whole trip!

Adult conversation topics.  Nothing revolved around Mickey, dinosaurs, or trains.

Not having to answer the question, "why?" "Wheres da pappis?!" and "What's that?"

Nobody cries or decides to lay down in the floor and randomly throw a fit.

My hair, body, and clothes were clean!  Not even a little bit of sticky substance anywhere.  I didn't even have to take a car shirt in case of emergency.  Even though I almost carried one out to the car the first night we went out to eat because I wasn't adjusted yet.

Life without children is soooo much different than life with children.  It actually took some adjustment to just relax and not plan everything.  My body seriously rebelled at the lack of schedule the first day...seriously cranky the first night when supper was past 6:30 lol.  But I loved every minute of the vacation and it was for sure needed.  As much as I missed the boys I think I am a more patient mom now that I had a little break.  So thank you sooo much friends that invited us and let us stay at their beautiful house in Destin.  It really meant the world to us and we can't wait to take a vacation again next year  :)

nap time

Right now it is supposed to be nap time, but I am watching my two rowdy boys (through the video baby monitor) wrestle, talk, laugh, and jump out of bed to get toys to sneak back into bed and play with.  Max is at the age to where if he doesn't want to nap he can usually make it through the day without being too cranky, but he will look forward to bed time and for sure not pass up the nap the next day.  However, if Jerry misses his nap he turns into a completely toddler nightmare!

Not sure how to deal with both boys refusing to nap today.  Usually I can just ignore it and Jerry will get so tired he will just lay down and fall asleep (about 10 mins later) and then Max will get so bored without his brother that he will just fall asleep (about 20 minutes later).

So now I am approaching the deadline of just calling nap time a waste today because its getting too late to nap and their bedtime will be thrown off.  Any ideas for getting little ones to nap that just don't want to?

Max and Jerry playing trucks

Now Max is doing a flip in bed!  

Reed's Time Out

I don't know how many times I have tried to explain to Reed that kids learn by playing and by watching.  Max has learned several undesirable words from Reed and at least one from me, and I'm not talking just about curse words, just other words that I don't like to hear, such as, fat, stupid, dumb...and yeah, a few curse words that seems to be his favorite words to say in a crowd, sh*t-fire and h*ll are the big crowd pleasers.

Recently, I have had to put a lock down on Reed's tv privileges.  No more family guy, violent movies like die hard, or grey's anatomy for me (all the blood and guts tend to make Max anxious).  Even if the boys are playing and you think they are not paying any attention they some how seem to pick up something bad.  So we always just have to wait till the boys go to bed to watch a tv show we want to watch.  I used to always be so frustrated with people that had kids when they were not caught up on current events, new movies coming out, trends, new tv shows, new music, etc, and now I realize why they are so out of the loop!  I used to think these people must be living in the stone age or not managing their time well to not even have time to watch a little news!  Now I realize exactly why parents of toddlers are completely unaware of what is going on in the outside world (especially housewives!).  These little toddlers are like super absorbent sponges that soak everything up...the good and the bad!

However, sometimes all this observed behavior can lead to some funny things.  We have a very strict no water guns in the house policy.  Failure to follow this rule means serving time...3 torturous minutes for Max and 2 -ish minutes for Jerry.  One day last week, Reed and I were doing the dishes after supper and he very slyly reaches over and grabs something and walks away (at the time I was not paying any attention so had no idea what it was) the next thing I know the whole back of my hair and shirt is getting soaked with water!  I turn around, ready to send a guilty toddler to time out, and see my husband holding Max's biggest water gun with full intentions to completely empty all it's contents on my face.  With no water gun in sight for a means of retaliation, I just take off running though the house because at this point I am dripping water running through the house... I am so soaked.  The next thing I know Max is standing in the doorway screaming "wait stop!"  Of course we stop because he rarely speaks with this much force and determination and he looks so darn cute.  Max then grabs Reed's hand and takes Reed to time out and says, "sit in the chair.  3 minutes daddy, ok-alright!"  Then he walks over to the oven and tries to set the timer like I always do and crosses his arms looking at Reed waiting for the punishment to be over.  It took everything I had to not die laughing at the whole situation.  Clearly he observes everything from what is punishable to my body language during time outs!  Obviously, the timer is not going to go off because he doesn't know how to set it, so when Max thinks it has been the appropriate amount of time he walks over and informs Reed that he can now get up and play.  It was the cutest thing I have ever seen and I was so proud that my husband was willing to play along and accept his punishment.  I know I am biased, but I think I have the most intelligent 3 year old ever :)

Reed serving time :)  

Homeschool!!!

Ok, the time is rapidly approaching to where if I am going to homeschool my children I seriously have to get my butt in gear!  Max would normally start a preschool program in the fall, but he is already showing a lot of interest in curriculum and learning.  I have my teaching certificate, but I have to be honest and say I am a little bit terrified.

I really want to use a Reggio Emilia and Montessori blended approach, which I think is completely possible because they are both centered around individual learning and I would only be teaching 2 individuals.  So while it is not possible for classrooms of 20 + I think it is the best thing for my children.  If anyone knows of any good homeschooling blogs or curriculum I would greatly appreciate the information.

Being a Mama to two Boys

Learning how to be a mom was kinda hard at first, mostly just getting over the fact that I will never, ever sleep again or have clean clothes was the hardest.  Learning how to be the mom for two boys is very, very hard!  I have never been a girly-girl, so I thought I would be ok, but boys are just soooo different; its like learning a new language.

Learning how boys play has been an experience.  Trucks, trains, dinosaurs, bugs, tractors, are all very loud things in a boy's mind and they crash/fight A LOT.  So far, in the 3 years we have been playing, our cars have never taken a leisurely drive, trains have never just went around the track, dinosaurs have never just gotten along, bugs have never been normal, and tractors never have a quiet motor.  It took me a while to realize that this is just how they like to play and its normal.  My house is pretty much always loud and pretty cluttered with toys.  I have finally accepted the fact that I am just going to have to touch up a lot of paint from about my knees down because a lot of tractors and trucks have crashed into my walls.  Its loud and fun, but you have to be prepared for it, otherwise my house would seem like a complete mad house to you.

Now that I have finally tackled how to play, I have to learn how to tackle tackle...fishing tackle that is.   I have never been much of a fisherwoman.  I love to hunt, that is something I will have no problem teaching the boys how to do, but that is a ways off.  Fishing is basically a new concept to me.  Max and Jerry absolutely love to fish so I have to learn fast.  Luckily our pond is basically just full of perch at the moment and I don't think there is any real strategy to pond fishing...at least I hope not.  I didn't even know how to tie a hook at the beginning.  Now I can do that pretty quick.  Putting the bait on is pretty easy too, but we have one major problem.  The first time we went fishing without Granny or Grandpa it was all going perfectly smooth...then we caught a fish!  I was so excited that I must have done something right because Max reeled it in and the hook didn't come off or anything.  Then I realized I don't know what to do next!  I know I am supposed to take the fish off the hook, but there seems to be teeth in there and every time I touch the fish those dang fins hurt me.  I am very unsure what my next move is supposed to be because I am not putting my hand in its mouth and I am pretty much done with those fins hurting my hand.  So I did the only thing I could think of...I distracted Max by telling him to look at the cows and I threw the line back in the water with the fish still attached!  So he thought he was catching a fish every time and was extremely happy and I didn't have to touch that fish anymore, so I was pretty happy.  Since then, my dad has taught me how to get the hook out of their mouth with some needle nose pliers and I don't even have to touch the fish.  Someday I will be brave enough and learn to do it with my hands, but not today and probably not tomorrow.

I'm not sure what I will be learning next, but I bet it will be fun.