Sometimes I Don't Do It.

At least once a week someone says to me "I just don't know how you do it!"  I am not sure if this is a compliment or an insult that my children are so bad that they couldn't possibly do it, but either way I want to point out that somedays I don't "do it."

My wonderful and extremely supportive mother-in law has told me several times that I am an amazing mother! What a huge compliment!  I mean in the history of mother-in law and daughter-in law relationships we truly break the mold, she is a great encourager and never fails to compliment me at just the right moment.  Of course my own mother compliments my parenting, but she has to do that :)  My mother-in law has no obligation to think I am great whatsoever.  Knowing that people who are truly involved in my life think I am doing a great job raising tiny humans makes me feel like what I am doing is all worth it...what I am doing is actually working!!

What I am trying to point out is that even though people think I am an amazing mother I have days that I just can't do it any longer.  I have many, many days that I don't even feel like an average mother.  Sometimes I even go so far as to admit to my close friends that I am just "done," "I can't take it a second longer today!" or "I just need a little break from all the tiny hands!"  Which makes me feel like such a terrible person because I sought after and prayed for all these tiny hands that are constantly reaching for me.  On days I feel like a terrible mother I not only feel like I am letting my kids down, but I am also letting all the people who think I am great down.  Thoughts run through my head like, "man, if they saw me just shriek at my children to get off the laundry they would no longer be impressed!" or "If they really saw how I sometimes wave my kids off with an I don't care answer, they would be so disappointed."

On days, like yesterday, that sleepyness took over, exhaustion set in, and a stressful week has taken its toll, I feel completely disappointed in myself, full of shame, and that my priorities are completely out of whack that I can't even make it until bedtime to make sure I don't loose my temper or take a tone with my kids.  When the kids go to bed I feel full of guilt that I didn't enjoy that bedtime story and even possibly skipped a few pages because I selfishly wanted to just put myself first instead of second fifth.

Somedays I just get so tired that I use the tv a babysitter so I can sit down and eat lunch while my kids are zoned out.  Once I even told my kids it was freezing outside because I was too tired to keep up with their outside playing (its was about 80 degrees, but my kids absolutely hate cold weather).   However, at the end of these day that I don't do my best and I just try to make it through the day without psychologically damaging my kids with my bad attitude I absolutely hate myself!  I go to sleep promising myself that I will be better.  I want to be better.  I want to do better.  I want to never have days like those again.  I want to be more than a mama.

I want to be:

A friend
     Someone my children always know they can come to for playtime, conversations, in happiness and sadness.

I want to be more spontaneous.
      Go off the schedule without actually planning to go off the schedule.  And enjoy the spontaneity, instead of worrying the whole time if this is going to throw off everyone's sleep schedule or make Max completely loose it.

I want to say yes far more than I say no!
      I want to be able to go to bed at night and have a hard time remembering how many times I said yes today instead of the other way around.

I want to be a protector
        I want my children to always feel safe with me.  Not constrained but completely and totally safe all the time.

I want to be reliable
     I want my children to always rely on me for comfort and nurturing.  I don't want them to ever have to worry if I am in a bad mood or won't react well. I want to to know above all they can count on me to be everything I listed above.

I just want to be the best mother ever!  Is that too much to ask?!

So on days I feel like I am about to loose it, like I felt yesterday, I have to remember that I want to be better, I don't want to be the person I am feeling like.  Yes, maybe on days that I just can't take another second of being needed or one more tiny hand grabbing in my direction; when those fingers are no longer cute in the moment and I would rather bite them than hold them... then those are the days I will probably just need to step away.  No, these days do not happen often and I feel terrible admitting them to everyone, but I KNOW EVERY mother feels the same way at times (whether you only have 1 child or you have 9 children, everyone is entitled to be overwhelmed and tired when dealing with tiny humans! ).  Those are the days that I will just have to suck it up and get through the day being "better" and then when my husband gets home he will have to be the better one while I go for a run, take a long shower, take a drive, or just sit completely still in front of the tv watching a shamelessly, mind numbing, trashy tv show.  

It has taken a while for me to realize that when I can't take it any longer I have to step away for a minute.  It makes me better.  It helps me to be the mom I want to be.  So please, if you are feeling like you need a break, take a break.  A guilt free break.  Don't stress the whole time that you are missing out on crucial moments that define their development.  If you don't have a break you will loose your mind and you will loose yourself.  Not being present, but technically there in body but not mind because you are so worn out is really worse than not being there at all.  After a small break you can really be there!  You can play, inspire, educate, and enjoy.  I am still learning and I am still trying, but I am getting better.