Mothers are disgusting.

Before I was a mother I was able to easily avoid snot, poop, stained clothes, and the occasional vomit...now it is just part of life.  It seems that when you become a mother all the gross stuff is just part of the job description.  Every time I leave the house Reed likes to do the "Gross check."  Meaning, before we buckle every child in, we have to first check their diapers so we won't have any surprises mid buckle.  Then he has to check my grossness out.  We have to walk out into the natural sunlight and I have to turn a full circle so he can make sure that there is not any Abilene throw up in my hair, Max snot on my shirt, or general Jerry stickyness on my pants.  I learned the hard way that if you are not in the natural light outside you WILL miss something, and then you are the woman standing in line to buy a movie ticket with macaroni stuck to your butt.  You think I would notice these things and fix them as they happen, but no it happens so frequently I don't...I'm disgusting.

The very first time your baby has their very first, and very disgusting, dirty diaper in the hospital ( you know, the black, sticky tar diaper) poop not only becomes a the topic of many of your conversations, but it also becomes something you deal with at least 8 times as day.  I have seriously have hour long conversations with other mothers discussing only poop and poop related incidences.  There are entire blogs dedicated completely to poop, the color, consistency, and frequency...disgusting!  Don't worry, this will not be one of those blogs  :)

The crazy thing is, it really doesn't bother me...until I spend a little time around people who do not have children.  Then I just feel frumpy and well, disgusting.  I like to think that once you have a child your "mother earth gene" is activated.  Most baby and child related grossness, that would make most people cringe, I really don't think twice about it, except for two things.

1.) I think I could be in the middle of the desert, after running 9 miles, with no water in sight and I would still NEVER EVER drink after my children!  I would rather DIE!

Nope!!  Won't be drinking anymore of that!

         They are disgusting drinkers.  I don't know why they can't seem to grasp the concept of take and sip and swallow, but they just don't get it.  I have honestly handed Jerry a bottle of water and after only 4 sips the water that was once nice, clean, and fresh is colored slightly brown or yellow!!  How does this happen?!  Yuck!  I'm just not gonna do it.  I know I made them and hence I technically made their spit, but I'm not going to recycle it and put it back in my body.  Occasionally, I will drive to town just to get a sweet tea from McDonalds (its a problem) and I will only get to have less than half on the way home.  As I am getting everyone out of the car I will walk in and see the sweet tea bandit (Max) drinking out of MY cup with MY straw.  Sweet tea is ruined! Not drinking anymore of it.  Seriously makes me want to cry sometimes.

2.) Kids have yucky hands, kids eats with their hands, I will never eat or share a plate with my children!
           Jerry has a strange way of eating, like part raccoon, part dinosaur.  He grabs his food in jerky movements like a tyrannosaurus rex who has no movement past the elbows, and then rolls it all together like how a raccoon eats and then shoves it into his spit covered mouth.  It is so sweet when he shoves his spit covered hand at my face and asks if I want a bite, but it will never happen.  I would seriously puke all over the floor before I could even try and chew the bite of mixed together food.  Max is a little better at eating now, so I know Jerry will probably grow out of it, but for the moment we will definitely not be sharing any appetizers.

I can walk up and pick a booger out of my children's nose, or really any other child's nose for that matter and I won't even flinch.  Corn speckled poop...no problem, not even a face.  Ear wax issues?  Let me get the q-tips.  Take a sip of your child's juice cup to make sure its cranapple instead of V8...NOT HAPPENING!!  I know its probably weird, but its just a thing I have been thinking about lately.  Any other mamas have disgusting things their children do that just make your stomach sick to think about?