We are "those people" with "that kid"

I have 2 ADHD diagnosed little boys (yes, I think ADHD is overly diagnosed, misdiagnosed, and majorly over medicated...another post all together) and one very loud little lady. Everywhere we go we are always "those people."  We tend to draw a lot of eyes our way for one reason or another.  I like to think it is because my family is especially adorable, but I know the real reason...my family sticks out like a sore thumb in today's society.

Simply the number of small children we have is slightly different, which is usually what first draws eyes our way, but there are a lot of families out there with many more children than I have, so that isn't the reason we stick out.  We stick out because I let my children act developmentally appropriate and expect nothing more and nothing less.  I WILL NOT punish my child for acting their age.

When I was pregnant with Max I thought I would parent the way I parent now, but with the huge pressure on mothers to make sure their children act like little robots in public made me turn into a robot type mom.  Tense all the time and waiting for the next "bad behavior" my child was going to do.  I seriously felt like I was doing a bad job if my 7 month old cried in a restaurant and made a mess on the floor!!  Thank God I got pregnant with Jerry very quickly after Max's birth and I was forced to stay home, read, practice, and learn to parent the way I should and the way I wanted to all along.  I just needed the confidence to become the parent I wanted to be and basically say " screw you" to everyone else who felt like I was doing a bad job.  I still get a little nervous in public when I let my children just act their age, but I have learned to brush that off slowly and with the help of a very wise woman who I met a church.  Seriously sent to me by God in some of my darkest parenting hours who will always listen and work with me no matter the circumstance.

I was speaking with her on the phone on the worst parenting day of my life ( the cattle show at the county fair!) and she said something that finally made the light bulb turn on in my brain.  I was complaining about Jerry's emotional outburst in public and how I couldn't seem to control it and she said,
         "That is what he is supposed to do!  He is 3."

DUH!!! Why didn't I think of that?!  I have a degree in child development and psychology, I have ready hundred of books on different parenting styles, philosophies, and so much research it would make your brain hurt and I still didn't put that together.  I was always so worried that I was doing a bad job as a mom that I forgot that one of the main parts of my job is to know that my children are behaving in a way that is expected!

He is 3 :) 

A toddler is supposed to:

Have a lot of energy
Be curious about their environment, especially new ones.
Touch EVERYTHING!
Not be able to sit still for long at all (15 mins is a long time!)
Express feelings.  Negative and positive feelings.
Not want to share!
Throw fits.
Run.
Becomes a picky eater.

And lucky for us parents they are now capable of understanding "mine" and "yours."  Surprise, surprise, this is why they don't want to share!

So no, I will not punish my child for touching EVERYTHING.  If I have to go somewhere that touching is not allowed, then I won't bring my child because I can't expect him to not act how his development is.

Yes, I know this is going to be controversial, but I do not make my child share everything!  Some things are HIS!  Just like some things are mine and I STILL don't share them.  Jerry has Legos that are only his legos, Max knows he can only touch them if Jerry invites him.  Max has an iron man costume that is only his, he often times shares it now, but I think that is because I allowed him to make the rules with something that is particuarly special to him.  Of course we still have fights about sharing every single day, but it is easy to say, "if you don't feel like sharing, go play with your special toy."

I expect my children to have a TON of energy, more than your average child.  I have no idea where it comes from, but on days that it is worse than others I have to change my plans.  If I wanted to go out to lunch today but I am having trouble getting the kids to sit still long enough to put shoes on, then I know today is not the day to go to lunch.  Why put myself through the frustration when I know better?!


I have slowly became comfortable with being "those people" with "that kid" because multiple times during the day, with at times more than one child, something is going to happen that isn't particularly "normal behavior."  The other day at a restaurant Jerry walked up to a particulary textured wall and licked it!!  Not really sure what to do at this point I just asked:
     
       "Jerry why in the world did you lick thatwall?!" and he said "because it looked like it tasted like strawberries."  Fair enough.

We talked about not licking walls because they almost never taste like what you think they would taste like and we walked away with a few more germs and hopefully a boost to our immune system.  Yes, the hostess thought I had a crazy child, but nope, completely normal!

Probably eating/tasting something she shouldn't like a rock or booger.

I will not rush you

Abilene hates her teeth.  I hate them too.  Max and Jerry had a really hard time with teething, but this little girl is getting 3-4 teeth at one time!  Luckily, her terrible tooth (her eye tooth) finally came in this morning!  She has been great all day and has only ate 2 pickles, her usual number of frozen pickles she eats during a day is between 6-8 pickles!!  She starts to even smell like pickles on a hot day.

Yesterday, however, she was completely miserable.  The moment she woke up she cried, yelled, whined, and was honestly kinda rude! We tried all the tricks: tylenol, ice cubes, frozen pickles, cold wash rags, beef jerky, leather, whiskey on her gums, Popsicles, tooth brushes...you name it, we tried it.  The only thing that would soothe her is if I held her and she held her blanket.

Today was not the day for this.  I had laundry all over the house, really needed a shower, I promised the boys cupcakes when they get back from playing, house breaking a puppy, and I was supposed to go to the grocery store for supper tonight.  However, looking at her sweet little tortured face, there was absolutely no way I was going to put her down so I could do all of those things.  So I made a decision.  Today I am going to:

Throw all the laundry back in the dryer and leave it there until bedtime.

 Put dry shampoo in my hair, spray some perfume, and take a shower tonight.

Ask Reed to bring home cupcakes after work.

Put the puppy outside and leave it there.

Fix breakfast for supper.

Let the boys play outside all day or watch movies.

Hold Abilene until she falls asleep or feels better.


It wasn't glamorous...

And  I had to buckle Abilene in her carseat, run back inside and throw on a t-shirt and shoes and go out in public to pick up my kids looking like this...(well, with a t-shirt on, this was before I buckled her in).  

But Abilene didn't scream all day and she got what she needed.  She needed to be held until she felt better and even though I had a ton of stuff to do I promised myself that I would not rush her.

I have to admit it was hard and I just prayed that nobody would pop in my house for a visit today.  It was especially, embarrassingly messy.  By the end of the day my arms and back screamed for relief, but when Abilene fell asleep, she didn't scream, and that was what it was all about.  

Don't rush your babies, they are people too.  It has taken me a long time to learn this lesson (about 4 years), but I will always remember it.  

The worst day of my parenting life!

I have some really hard days trying to keep 3 children acting somewhat normal and respectable, however last Thursday was the absolute worst day of my entire parenting life.  At the end of the day, when we finally made it home, my clothes were literally covered in blood, sweat, and tears!  Most of which were mine.  To put it extremely nice, I completely lost my shit that day...and consequently so did all 3 of my children.

I had been dreading this day for an entire week.  This was the day my sister would be showing all her cattle at the county fair.  Due to lack of babysitters and Reed's busy work schedule, I could not help this year and I just had to watch and try to keep my kids under control.  Taking all 3 kids to the county fair with little back up was a recipe for disaster!  Let me point out just a few things that make it a complete nightmare:

It is HOT!
It is loud!  Over simulation anyone?!
It is boring to children after about 5 minutes.
There is candy everywhere, which they are not allowed to have.
There are strangers everywhere, which makes a kids anxious.
Entertainment is scarce.

I tried super hard to prepare myself and my kids for this monumental task.  We talked about it the day before, we had a "practice session" at our barn, and I allowed them each to pick 1 toy to take with them.  We got a good nap in before we left, had lunch, packed snacks and toys and prayed for the best.  Then my first mistake happened...about 5 minutes after we got out of the car.

I let Jerry have skittles!  SKITTLES!!  Straight sugar compacted into bite size morsels.  I figured, "hey it's the county fair.  Let the kid live a little!"  I knew better...I let it happen anyways.  About half a bag later, it was time for the show to start.  We picked out a corner of the show barn to set down on the floor so we will stay out of the way, be able to play toys and still see the cattle.  Then we got out the toys.  Jerry picked super heroes to bring, Abilene brought her baby doll, and Max brought Dominos and a book.  I know what you are thinking...Dominos?!  Are you crazy?  Usually I am not.  Dominos entertain all of my children for hours.  They build house out of them, line them up to knock over, and they like to match the colored dots.  Fun for everyone!  Except, Abilene picked today to become a defiant, pestering, little sister.  Constantly walking over to knock them over or throw them all the way across the show barn.  As the dominos hit the smooth concrete it made an ear piercing loud sound.  Great!  Now all attention is on us, I am easily embarrassed, so I acted in a way I would never do at home.  At home, I would calmly say "uh-oh, did you throw your dominos?"  and then I would pick them up and put them away.  How did I act in front of all those piercing/judging eyes of the crowd?  I blamed, named called, and used anger... "what's wrong with you?!  You know we don't throw toys!  Don't you realize that someone could get hurt?  Because of these actions you will not get to play with the dominos any longer!"  SO, I got exactly what I deserved.  I gave them anger and frustration and all 3 of them gave it right back to me twice as bad.

Jerry and Abilene started fighting and pushing.  Jerry started in with his trademark scream that makes your nerves feel like they are on fire!  Everyone stares at me, a few whisper "looks like that kid needs a whippin!"  So what did I do?!  I took him outside and spanked him!  Great parenting Amber!  Giving in to peer pressure that is just what I needed right now.

What should I have done?  Simple!
I should have said, " oh no, how sad!  We have to go home now.  We will come back when I don't have to worry about bad behavior."

Instead I stayed and made empty threats, showed a ton of frustration/aggression, and when Reed showed up after 3 HOURS OF TORTURE I took it out on him.  My kids shouldn't have behaved the way they did, I shouldn't have parented the way I did. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of this terrible power struggle.  FINALLY after the show was over I loaded the kids up in their carseats, shut the doors of the car (the kids inside the car with the music on and me outside the car) and had a screaming/cursing fit...with myself!  I was absolutely at the end of my rope.  Tons of anger pouring out of my mouth (pretty loudly).  All of my favorite 4 letter words to say and a few I made up in the heat of the moment in a combination that made absolutely no sense at all.  People literally stopped in their track and looked at me like I was insane...I felt insane.  It was probably a spectacle to see.  About 5 minutes of this adult temper tantrum and my husband peeks around the car and says "wow that was one of your best!"  Great Reed, using a tactic I use on the children.  Did I feel better after the tantrum?  NO  Did it help anything?  Not at all.  Did my kids hear it?  Thankfully no.

From complete anger to complete sadness I just look up and start to cry my eyes out.  You know the type with snot and hiccups?  Yeah it was that kind of cry.  Reed hands me his truck keys and says see you get home.  He knew I was way past gone.  I sat in the truck and cried for about another 5 minutes, called some good friends who reassured me I didn't damage my children in one day of really bad parenting and that I would have the chance to try it all again.  It is a guarantee they will act up again.

I came home and it seemed as all had passed.  They were not damaged, I was starting to calm down, and thank God it was only 30 minutes until bedtime!  I put the kids to bed with sweetness that would make you teeth hurt (trying to make up for my sour attitude all day), promptly took 2 Tylenol pm and fell asleep in the chair in the living room with my poop covered boots and my clothes that were covered in blood, sweat, and tears.

Will I ever have a bad day again?  YEP!  Will I parent that way again?  Shit NO!

Good parenting = Good kids.  I will do better next time.  

An emotional Fidget

Fidget....such a weird word, yet something I accuse my kids of doing all the time.  If I were to describe my kids actions, I would say 90% of the time it would be best described as a fidget.

I have found that I am very guilty of fidgeting, however, it is in a different way.  I have a lot of emotional fidgeting going on, especially the last 3 days.  A big ball of edginess, slightly discontent, and honestly a little bored.  Having a huge list of things I "need" to be doing:

Fold the laundry 

Clean the bathrooms

Read that book to the kids they have been begging to read

Build that master lego project ( I HATE legos!!!) 

Probably should shave my legs this week

Get those stains out of Reed's work jeans

Buy the kids new shoes (seriously all 3 need new shoes) 

I REALLY need some serious attention for my hair.  Salon day please!

And I have a huge list of thing I "want" which is just too much to even begin to describe.  I have high aspirations for my family, nothing wrong with that.  What is wrong with these feelings is that I feel like I am never content.  I find myself fidgeting around in my brain and thinking about the "somedays."  It usually goes something like this:

"someday we can have....."

"someday we could do...."

"someday we will be able to...."

About half way through the someday thoughts one of my kids will run/walk/wobble their way over to me, crawl up in my lap with their favorite book and remind me that I should just STOP!  Remind me that I should just enjoy what we have now because we won't have it again.  Who cares if we don't have everything I think we "need" or "want" because as far as I see my kids are very happy with what we are doing now.  I never hear them say "someday."  So, once again my kids are teaching me something.  

Kids are masters a living in the moment.  I can sit on the trampoline and watch my kids light up at the sight of shoes bouncing around as they pretend that the shoes are alligators or snakes and they jump over and around them.  They are the happiest they have been all day...playing with SHOES!  How can I keep this complete content innocence?  How can I make sure they always enjoy life this much?  How can I enjoy life this much?  

I am going to make a huge effort to just STOP.  

Stop thinking about things I want.

     There is nothing wrong with having goals and dream and working towards these things, but I have got to quit thinking about them so much

Stop thinking about things that are not that important.

      Nobody really cares if there are chocolate milk streaks across the white kitchen cabinets.

Stop lusting after things or situations I can't possibly have or do at the moment.

        

Hopefully my kids will keep helping remind me to just be content.

Things I hope to teach my sons

August 26 is rapidly approaching!  Why is this day so important?   It is important because this is the first day that my children will be going to "school" regularly.  Granted, Max is only going 4 days a week from 8-12, but this is HUGE to me.  These kids are with me ALL THE TIME.  When they are not with me I feel naked and anxious, weird I know.  We are using this little preschool adventure to help make our final decision on homeschooling.

As I was thinking about all the things that Max is going to learn while in school, I started to really think about all the things that are so important for him to learn that school will probably not teach him.  Raising sons can be tough, but here is a random list of things I want my son to learn and hopefully things I will be able to teach him.

1.) Good manners go a long way.  Good manners can make the difference in every single aspect of your entire life.

2.) Happiness is a choice.

3.) Travel is important and almost necessary.  Always take the time and energy to just go!

4.) Never forget a real man can be gentle and strong at the same time.  A real man is gentle with the heart and strong with his hands.

5.) Always proudly claim to be a Mama's boy.

6.) A good book can change your life.  Enjoy the written word.

7.) Value your heart and your intelligence.

8.) Don't be afraid to get your hands dirty, that is the only way you will learn important life skills.

9.) If it was important enough to say "I promise" then it is sure important enough to follow through.

10.) There is no such thing as too much kindness.

11.) Shoes are over rated.  Go barefoot as much as possible.

12.) BUT don't forget to wash your feet before you get into bed!

13.) Don't ever chase a woman.  The women that run are not worth catching.

14.) Blood does not make a family.

15.) Your family is the only thing you can count on 100%

16.) Women love to dance, you would be wise to learn how. Practice with Mama :)

17.) Homes are for family expression not good impressions.

18.) Make sure "you clean up nice."  Never be that undressed person in the room.

19.) Winning isn't everything, but if you are going to do something you better do it right.

20.) Life can change in a nanosecond.  Make sure to be flexible to these changes.  A rigid person will only break.

21.) Never be ashamed to have big dreams.

22.) Open doors for ALL women.  Back to that manners things.

23.) All is fair in love and war.

24.) Just because it is normal doesn't make it right.

26.) Always, Always, Always, stand up for your siblings, what is right, and your dreams.

27.) Truly believe that you can change the world.

28.) Never expect anyone to read your mind.

29.)  Asking questions does not make your dumb.

30.) Being smart is important!  Being smart is something that takes work, so work on it!

31.)  Never be embarrassed of your mama's kisses and hugs.

32.) Sometimes it is ok to cry.

33.) Always remember that when you are having a hard day it could be much worse and home will always be here for you.

34.) When you are feeling sad, go outside.  Sometimes just the simple sunshine will cheer you up.

35.) Taking care of animals is NOT the same as taking care of a child.  Never minimize a child by using an animal as a comparison.

36.) When you make something with your hands a little bit of your heart is in the final product.

37.) Always trust your instincts.

38.) It is ok to make mistakes.  We will still love you.

39.) Mama likes chocolate...in moderation.  If I'm having a bad day, chocolate will help.

40.) Always exercise.  It is important to stay healthy.  I want you to be around for a long time :)

SPD

Max is an amazing kid, seriously, one of the best kids I have ever been around.  He is compassionate, nurturing, helpful, a great listener, and he just loves to please people.  However, we do have one major obstacle that we have to deal with daily.

Max has a terrible sensory processing disorder, its annoying, frustrating, scary, and that is just one my side, so I can't even imagine what he has to deal with.  It has taken us a while to come to this sensory disorder diagnosis, but we have finally figured it out (about a year ago).

When Max was younger we were convinced that he was autistic, whether it be aspgergers of more serious, we just knew.  He never ever spoke and was always terrible about not wanting to look anyone in the eye (which we later discover was due to ADHD, but I'm not completely convinced he has ADHD...different post), which went on long past the age of 2.  We took him to several specialist, speech therapy, different pediatricians, sleep disorder clinics, chiropractors, acupuncture, changed his diet, even genetic testing... yeah we pretty much did everything, but the thing was he didn't fit the characteristics of a child with autism.  Praise God!  He was born 6 weeks premature, so I thought he was just delayed and I should give him a bit to catch up.  One day he woke up and started talking, like talking A LOT.  I guess he just didn't have anything to say until then.  So thanks a lot Max for all the extra worries.  Something still didn't seem right, but I was new to this whole parenting thing and very prone to over worry about every single tiny little thing.  We brushed off his weird tendencies as quirky and went on with life.

Doctors debate the condition about whether sensory processing disorder (SPD) is real or if you just have a quirky kid, so I will let you in on exactly what sensory processing disorder is:

While sensory processing disorder is very common in kids who have autism, it is not commonly recognized in children who do not have autism.  Max is no where near the autism spectrum, so lack of information on sensory processing disorder left us looking for answers for a long time.

SPD affects the way a child processes messages sent to the brain from any of the 5 main senses.  It can range anywhere from mild sensory intolerance to full blown melt down.  SPD can affects a child and make them over sensitive, under sensitive, or both, which is particularly confusing.  The reasons doctors have a hard time agreeing if it is a diagnosable disorder is because they are finding it hard to separate from autism or ADHD...in other words they see the problems the kids are having with sensory issues, but they them as being related to autism or ADHD.
   
         Yes, Max was diagnosed with ADHD and SPD is a part of ADHD, but he doesn't fit all the characteristics of ADHD.  Ugh...confusing right?!  

We felt the same way!  

*Children with SPD find things such as dirt, hair, toenails, fingernails, being barefoot on sand/grass/dirt, completely intolerable.
       Max can't stand his fingernails or toenails to be long at all.  He seriously will sit in a chair and pull his nails off so short that they are bleeding.  I will tell him repeatedly to tell me and I will get the clippers.  Hoping to help him out I will cut them as short as possible without getting to the bleeding point of short, but as soon as I leave he bites them even shorter.  Its heartbreaking to watch!  He will never, ever walk in the grass without shoes stating that the grass is "too pokey." On rainy days we can't leave the house, he absolutely cannot stand water to touch his shoes, shirt, or skin...unless it is designated swimming time and he is wearing appropriate swimming attire.
Absolutely can't stand to have his hair cut...so we are growing it out :)  He tells me the feel of the scissors on his hair is so "scratchy" and the clippers are "so loud his ears will fall off." (dramatic I know).

First haircut

Yep...he still acts like this at hair cuts.

There are a lot of kid friendly foods he won't eat because he can't stand the way they make his hands feel while he is eating them.  Syrup on his pancakes?  No way!  He may eat one bite, but the minute the dreaded syrup may touch any part of his body he will have to literally take a shower. No ketchup, mustard, honey, rarely ice cream, never Popsicles, and he can't drink a drink that is "too cold."

how we discovered syrup is bad new for Max

Frustrated because he is messy and needs a shower NOW!

eating cookies with a fork because the sprinkles "stick to my fingers and make me so sad."

*Children with SPD are excessively cautious and afraid to try new things, upset by transitions or unexpected changes.
             Max has about 5 main foods that he eats and getting him to try another one is agonizing.  Its hard to be upset with him because he is so unsure about the texture and what it might do that it completely freaks him out.  Typically we have to stay away from jello, anything gummy, slimy, pokey, or "too crunchy."  Transitioning him to a new activity is a special kind of hell.  We have finally realized that he needs at least a 2 minute warning that we are fixing to move on if he is doing something in a regular setting and a minimum of 5 minute warning if we are in a social setting.  Our days are also so scheduled that it would make the movie Groundhog Day look like something unexpected is going to happen.  Spontaneity freaks him out and he makes it very clear what we are supposed to be doing if we vary from the schedule.  People are always confused why I am regimented about a morning breakfast routine and it is because I don't want my day to suck.  A bad start for Max = a bad day for everyone ( he has gotten better this year about "vacation time" and that it is "allowed to be different then" but it is still a challenge).

*Children with SPD use either too little or too much force when completing tasks such as drawing, hugging, jumping, etc...
       We have to constantly tell Max to "be easy" "use gentle hands" or flat out "Just quit holding so tight!!!"  Everything he does is with hulk strength.  It can even come off as aggressive, but he honestly has no idea he is doing it until you point it out.  He has broken so many crayons that I could probably stack them up and it would be as tall as he is.  When we are crossing the parking lot he holds hands so tightly that I am afraid he is going to crush tiny Jerry's bones, but he honestly never means to do it.  When he jumps or run it is with so much force that he might just run right into the wall because there is no way he will be able to stop himself.

practicing "open hands" on an unsuspecting sleeping victim 

I am so grateful he is now old enough to communicate with me exactly what is bothering him.  When he was younger and had a hard time communicating he would just completely loose his shit all the time. I thought I was just raising a terrible kid!  Worst parent of the year award for me every single day because he constantly threw epic fits that we so inconsolable we rarely left the house.

A most recent melt down over swimming attire at Tiffany's house

Communication problems at work 

Now when he is "having a moment" (as Reed and I like to call it) we can hopefully reach him in time before he enters freak out mode.  If we get there just as the moment is starting then we can stop it before it becomes an ordeal.  Luckily, we have been his parent for over 4 years now so we can usually see "the moment" coming.  However, we have times that something new will occur and it surprises even me.  This is when the difficult parenting happens.  It is so hard to distinguish terrible preschool behavior from behavior related to sensory issues.  For example,
        We went to the store yesterday (sensory overload on the best days) and it was all going smoothly.  We avoided the entertainment section because it bothers him that there is "too many tvs" and didn't get anywhere near the aisle with the hangers because "clothes go on those!!!"  Suddenly he starts saying "its time to go! time to go! got to go now!"  I thought he was just being a usual impatient kid and told him we have to wait that the shopping is not done and he better be good or there will be no treat at the checkout line.  He continues to be bad and starts saying " I can't take it!" and crying!!  WTH?!  I thought we were through with the crying spells!  I told him to act like a big boy and quit throwing a fit.  He of course didn't.  Result= no candy for Max at the checkout line.  As soon as we get outside and I put him in the car he completely calms down.  Then he says "Thanks mom, that squeaky wheel makes my teeth hurt."
          Ok that's a new one!!  Was it really because of the wheel hurting his teeth or was he just acting like a typical preschool jerk?  No idea, but it is situations like these that get confusing.

His little "quirks" are what terrifies me when he enters social setting and one of the big reasons we have been putting off preschool.  How in the world is his teacher possibly learn all the quirks it has taken us 4 years to master?  Is he going to have to stay home when it rains?!  The teacher has so many other children to deal with, she can't completely focus on him.  So what is the solution?  Tell him to toughen up and get through it....yes, we do that a lot and we force him to do things he doesn't feel comfortable doing because we want him to function in the world with sensory overload.  However, when we do this too often we tend to see a new little quirk emerge.

But now something amazing has happened!  It has completely made me a 100% believer that children are adaptable and pretty resilient.  Max developed his own coping strategy in a form of a friend he calls "Rowdney."  Yep, an imaginary blue, purple, and green dinosaur that seems to pop up when we are having "a moment"  Rowdney first appeared in our life about a month ago while we were at the lake (for the record, I always thought imaginary friends were very creepy, my sister on the other hand LOVES when kids have them, so this was a dream come true to her).  I thought this dinosaur would be into our life and then gone again within a matter of days, but he has stuck around and proven to be very valuable.  Whenever Max is in an uncertain situation Rowdney does it first.  If it is raining outside Rowdney runs to the car first, if he is ok with it then we can go as well...completely without a freak out!  Rowdney tries the bite of new food first (yes he has a small plate a supper sometimes) and if he likes it Max will give it a try.  I'm not sure how long Rowdney will stick around and how helpful he will be as he gets older, but with the development of Rowdney I am pretty confident that Max will come up with his own coping strategies when the time is right :)

2 adults, 3 kids...

"2 adults, 3 kids menus and we also need 1 highchair and one booster seat.  We would really prefer a booth if you have one."

This is the usual response when the hostess ask "how many" when we arrive at the restaurant.  Hopefully we are eating a restaurant that allows us to put a highchair at the end of the booth.  Some restaurants don't allow it because it is either inconvenient to other guests or it goes against "fire code" (yes it makes complete sense that if there is a fire or emergency in the building a small highchair is going to be the cause of my immanent death!  I will be trapped in this booth forever!)

So it is obvious we are out numbered when it comes to eating out, but it doesn't have to be a disaster.  It is never a disaster at home, but my home is also kid friendly and prepared for the monumental task of getting everyone fed at the family supper table.  The big difference in eating out and eating at home is the fact that when I call everyone to the table supper is already there, if you want seconds it is sitting in a bowl on the table, and if you run out of sweet tea I will just go get more in less than 30 seconds.

When we go out to eat our mere entrance into the restaurant seems to make waiters, guests, and even the hostess nervous.  It seems like the group of waiters stare at the hostess in fear trying to telepathically send the message of "not my section!" All the guests in the restaurant look at us and sneer in a way to say "eww children!  How dare you bring those out in public! "  When did America become so anti-children anyways?!

We have developed a few little strategies to make eating out enjoyable for us and those surrounding us:

1.) As soon as we sit down we demand bread, or the equivalent there of, such as, crackers, tortillas, chips, etc...  Little humans are not keen on waiting.  They way they see it is, "we are here to eat, let's do this!"
        * The problem happens when the waitress thinks we want to hear the specials, ugh!  Luckily I am just socially awkward enough to interrupt and say "seriously we need bread now!  Like 2 minutes ago, these guys will completely loose their shit if we don't give them bread now."  Trust me, it's for the good of the restaurant.  I learned how to read a long time ago, I got this menu thing under control!

2.) Bring your own juice cups already filled.  Again these guys don't like to wait, why make them wait for juice?

3.) Allow each kid to bring one toy to the table.  We try to stay away from action figures for obvious reason.  Ninja turtles seem empty a salt shaker faster than a speeding bullet.  NEVER rely on the restaurant to provide an adequate kids menu with colors, more often times than not the crayons are those crappy kind that every kid hates because you can't tell the difference in red, yellow, or orange.  So frustrating.  If all else fails, break out the smart phone! It should obviously be equipped with talking friends, abcmouse apps and disney apps.

4.) Always instruct the waitress to bring the kids food out first!  Doesn't mean that they will, but hey, you tried.  If the kids food there is first then you have time to cut up, open ketchup, blow on, and sample ( to make sure there isn't rat poison in it of course!  A request from Max...I think he has overheard me refer to ramen noodles as poison one too many times).

5.) I know that when a restaurant describes itself as "kid friendly" the food is destined to taste like crap, but try and stick to these restaurant.  American's don't like to see or hear children, especially when they are eating and I don't think that is going to change, so unless you want a restaurant riot on your hands, stick to those restaurants that members of you cult (cult of the people with children) frequent.  If the restaurant doesn't even offer a high chair, turn around and run the other direction, try not to drop your Cheerios on the way out.  Any restaurant with a patio is great.  Nothing says kids like patio!
  * Side note- I have seen restaurants where they seriously would allow DOGS before they would allow children!  What is wrong with people?!

6.) Ask for the check as soon as your food arrives.  You know you are not going to feed those sugar fiends any dessert!  The waitress will look at you like you are rude, but they will inevitable dilly dally around and take too long for you to get your check anyways. She obviously doesn't have children and realize that a child can eat a 3 course meal in less than 10 minutes.  Wait, what are you doing at a 3 course meal place?!  They don't let kids in there!

Good luck to you.  We will pray for peace of your digestive tract from the inevitable heartburn from inhaling your food :)

Adoption Myth # 2 & #3

Myth #2
I want to be very clear on something.  Not all birthmother are considered angels...most of them are complete and absolute monsters!!

While going through the long process of adoption we were often times presented with situations for adoption and the situations read more like a rap sheet, such as:

Code name : Bethany
Age 32
Race: Caucasian
30 weeks pregnant
Birth father is unknown

Bethany is 30 weeks pregnant with her 4th child, she has placed 2 prior children for adoption.
She currently smokes a pack of cigarettes a day and drink on occasion.
Upon finding out she was pregnant (at 20 weeks!!!!) she began making her placement plan.  She continues to use crack/cocaine weekly and refuses to enter a methadone program for her perscription drug addiction.
She has been incarcerated 3 times for theft and violence and is currently on paraole. Living expenses not to excede $5,000

Price- $ 30,000 not including finalization


WHAT THE HELL?!
Yeah, great she is giving her baby up do adoption, but she has no choice, hopefully the state would just take the baby away at delivery, but states like Oklahoma will not...don't even get me started on that!  Birthmothers like this make me so very angry.  They want to be praised for their "brave decision" and I am supposed to respect her for "doing the right thing."  Not a chance.  First of all, she didn't notice she was pregnant until she was 20 weeks along, she must have been completely wasted the whole time I guess.  So, no prenatal care.  When she found out she was pregnant it was life as usual...sounds like a crack whore to me.  She does not deserve my respect.

Our birthmother was young and yes, she did do a brave thing, but she was by no means a perfect angel either.  I will be forever grateful for her giving me the most amazing gift and I will also be grateful that she stayed away from crack/cocaine.  I'm not going to go into details about our birthmother on my blog because I am not sure how Abilene will feel about it when she is older.

Myth #3

Adoption is all about money.  Those who say otherwise are completely and totally dilusional.  Just by reading the situation above and seeing that a baby from a crack whore is going to cost you at least $30,000 should tell you that.  They should be literally giving that baby to a family who is willing to accept such a HUGE challenge of raising the unknown (dealing with possible FAC, withdraws in the nicu that could stop the heart, development delays, and possibly hepatitis C from drug use)  and dealing with a crazy person for a birthmother.
Yes, you can adopt and you can do it quickly, but its going to cost you...a lot.  Many, if not all agencies price adoptions based on race, they say this is because african american babies do not get adopted, so they make the price less and more afforable to "help families out" and hopefully "encourage the adoption of african american babies."
Hmmm....so you are saying that if I want to adopt a black baby you can make it happen for 10,000-15,000...I guess the court cost just magically disapears?  However, if I want a white or an Asian baby is going to cost me a lot more, supply and demand?  So these adoption agencies are proving that they can complete and adoption for less, but they just won't do it for every baby.  This whole part of adoption is heartbreaking for me.

I would LOVE to adopt again (internationally this time).  However, we can't because for some reason adoption is crazy expensive.  There is proof that it doesn't have to be expensive and the agencies will talk circles around you tell you why it is so expensive and get really mad at you and refuse to work with you when you just ask "so how much is it going to cost me to buy a baby?"  Why that questions offends them I don't know.  That is what you are doing!  You are going to an agency (the baby store) giving them descriptions of the type of baby you want for your family and they are giving you a price of how much it is going to take to make it happen.

These 2 beautiful babies live in DRC (the poorest country in the world, yet it take 30,000 to bring them home!

I do understand that court documents and attorneys do require money.  If it was truly about helping unborn babies and orphans then the agencies would pocket a lot less and adopt out a lot more.

Yes, I am going to tell her!

A lot of things in life I will just never understand, but here lately the main thing that just completely baffles my mind is the huge misconception and completely ignorant way of thinking and viewing adoption.  So to help clear some things up and hopefully keep myself from screeching at a mindless idiot who thinks public places and crowded situations are a good time to dig deep into personal questions about my family structure let me point a few things out.

Oddly enough, despite the fact that I am completely white without an ounce of tan in the middle of summer with white/blonde hair and my daughter is extremely tan, with dark curly hair, we constantly get asked if we are going to tell our daughter she is adopted.  Really?!!  

Super adorable!!  But COME ON!  Use your eyes...all 3 are my children 2 from growing in my tummy and 1 grew in my heart...I did not just "step out" on Reed lol.

This questions makes me laugh most of the time, for obvious reasons, but sometimes it makes me a little sad.  Of course I am going to tell her!  I am already telling her!  It makes me sad to think that society still thinks it is acceptable to lie to your adopted child for their whole life by using a huge conspiracry theory type of cover up for one of the most happy events in our life.  

Of course I am not an expert, but when I am dealing with the most important people in my life I tend to research A LOT.  Everything I have read has stressed how important it is that neither the adopted child or the siblings ever have a moment in their life where they are sat down to be told the news that they are adopted or their sibling was adopted.  It is just one of those things that child should use to describe themselves, such as, "I have brown curly hair, I have brown eyes, I am allergic to strawberries, I am adopted, I am 5 years old..."  This is important because it is what makes you "you!"  Keeping adoption a secret makes it seem like a bad or dirty thing.  The child is obviously going to wonder "why did they not tell me I was adopted? Was there some other secret about this adoption they are not telling me?" It is important for Max and Jerry to know the Abilene is adopted because it is a part of their life story as well.  

All children like to know where they come from, or how as Max puts it "how'd I get here?"  So we have built on this and when we have story time we tell fun little stories about how everyone got here.  Max is obsessed with it, but he gets it and it is a fun story that everyone likes to hear.  Even though Abilene can't understand or even listen to her whole story we still tell her, partly so we get in the habit and so Max and Jerry can hear the story.  

I do want to point out that I would happily talk to anyone who is considering adoption or anyone who is just interested in it.  I do not have an issue with people asking questions.  My issue is in the fact that you are asking highly personal questions in front of my children or people are asking while I am standing in line at Target and I DON'T KNOW YOU!  What if I hadn't told my child she was adopted or what if Max and Jerry didn't know? Seems really rude to me.  It also is important to me that it is not constantly pointed out that Abilene is different.  In our heads she isn't different, we don't even see it half the time, but we are constantly reminded and so are my children that she is "like adopted."  If you have questions please keep them in your head and ask them when my children are busy playing, I would be happy to answer in short or long version.  I also realize that I can't control the world and i am lucky enough to live in a small enough town that these questions will soon stop and everyone will just see adoption as our family story.  

Wow, that was a lot longer than I expected.  Maybe I will write about other misconceptions later :) 

Abilene is yelling "Adopted." Just kidding, but it probably will be one of her first words :)  

Jerry Allen is 3!

Jerry Allen is an amazing little human!  Of course I would say that about all my children, but this is just a special little post for Jerry :)






As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Jerry I knew he was going to be a very special baby.  When I finally found out he was indeed a he, I was even more positive that this little man was going to be amazing.

Jerry has a lot of qualities that make him amazing and I will just try to shorten it to some of my personal favorites:

Jerry and I have A LOT in common, which makes it very easy for me to understand him all the time.  We share a very special bond of introvertedness.  We both need our time to ourselves to do what we want, when we want, and we need people in our lives to understand this without getting their feelings hurt.  Don't get me wrong, Jerry loves being around his family, but this little man needs to be able to sit down and build his legos in peace at least once a day.

Jerry has very intense emotions.  When he is happy, he is beyond the moon happy, when he is excited, you can't contain him, and when he loves someone you can just feel the love coming from him all the time.  A lot of people don't like this trait about Jerry because when he is sad he for sure lets you know about it by whining until he is no longer sad and worse than that, when he is mad or upset his temper will rival a grown man on steroids.  I love this trait about Jerry.  I never have to wonder what he is thinking, how he is feeling, and since Jerry loves me dearly, I get a constant little emotional love hug all day long...even in the middle of a temper tantrum I can still see that he loves me.

Jerry has an infectious laugh.  When is laughs his whole body laughs and his eyes look amazingly blue and happy.  You simply cannot look at Jerry when he is laughing and no laugh along with him or at least smile uncontrollably.

When I call Jerry a little man, it is because he truly is a little man. Jerry just turned 3 and is still wearing size 18 month clothing.  Jerry weighs in at a whopping 26 lbs and is 35.5 inches tall.  I used to say that God was keeping Jerry small so I wouldn't be sad that my babies were growing up when we were trying to adopt Abilene.  However, Abilene is now almost 10 months old and he is still the SAME SIZE!  Yes, I worry about his health, but there is also nothing I can do about it at the moment, so I am enjoying him being a little man.  He is just the perfect size for a cuddle and when he gets scared and crawls into my bed at nights I always sleep the best.  He also acts like a man.  He always tries to be so brave and his favorite compliment is "Jerry you are such a gentleman."  He enjoys helping me out, especially helping me kill the bugs, "checkin on mama to see if she is safe," and "holding me" (which means, he wants me to hold him and carry him around, but he thinks it is for my benefit because I say I need some hugs ).

Jerry's 2 year check up in the 3rd percentile...still weighs the same 

Jerry idolizes his big brother.  They are NEVER EVER away from each other and they have such a close bond that it is almost freaky.  When I take Jerry away for special Jerry dates, he will ask where Max is about 20 times, want to call him, and then when we get back he will hug him like he has been missing him for days.  It is really special to witness how close they are.

Jerry loves all animals (minus Aunt Awa's dog, and they have a love/hate relationship.  Awa's dog likes Jerry's pacifier and that causes a lot of issues).  He loves to take care of the animals, feed them, and literally love on them until they hurt.  Sometimes he gives the animals such intense hugs, pats of kisses that it hurts these poor animals.

And finally, my favorite thing about Jerry is that he is 100% a total mama's boy!  I am his with out a doubt favorite person in the entire world :)  Yes, he has others than he just idolizes, like, Max, Christian, Nana (Jerry and Nana actually have a really special little bond), and a few others, but Jerry and I just understand each other in a very special way.  I was always worried about middle child syndrome and him not feeling special or loved as much, but I never have to worry about this with Jerry.  I know that he knows I love him very much and that he is "the best Jerry ever!"