2 adults, 3 kids...

"2 adults, 3 kids menus and we also need 1 highchair and one booster seat.  We would really prefer a booth if you have one."

This is the usual response when the hostess ask "how many" when we arrive at the restaurant.  Hopefully we are eating a restaurant that allows us to put a highchair at the end of the booth.  Some restaurants don't allow it because it is either inconvenient to other guests or it goes against "fire code" (yes it makes complete sense that if there is a fire or emergency in the building a small highchair is going to be the cause of my immanent death!  I will be trapped in this booth forever!)

So it is obvious we are out numbered when it comes to eating out, but it doesn't have to be a disaster.  It is never a disaster at home, but my home is also kid friendly and prepared for the monumental task of getting everyone fed at the family supper table.  The big difference in eating out and eating at home is the fact that when I call everyone to the table supper is already there, if you want seconds it is sitting in a bowl on the table, and if you run out of sweet tea I will just go get more in less than 30 seconds.

When we go out to eat our mere entrance into the restaurant seems to make waiters, guests, and even the hostess nervous.  It seems like the group of waiters stare at the hostess in fear trying to telepathically send the message of "not my section!" All the guests in the restaurant look at us and sneer in a way to say "eww children!  How dare you bring those out in public! "  When did America become so anti-children anyways?!

We have developed a few little strategies to make eating out enjoyable for us and those surrounding us:

1.) As soon as we sit down we demand bread, or the equivalent there of, such as, crackers, tortillas, chips, etc...  Little humans are not keen on waiting.  They way they see it is, "we are here to eat, let's do this!"
        * The problem happens when the waitress thinks we want to hear the specials, ugh!  Luckily I am just socially awkward enough to interrupt and say "seriously we need bread now!  Like 2 minutes ago, these guys will completely loose their shit if we don't give them bread now."  Trust me, it's for the good of the restaurant.  I learned how to read a long time ago, I got this menu thing under control!

2.) Bring your own juice cups already filled.  Again these guys don't like to wait, why make them wait for juice?

3.) Allow each kid to bring one toy to the table.  We try to stay away from action figures for obvious reason.  Ninja turtles seem empty a salt shaker faster than a speeding bullet.  NEVER rely on the restaurant to provide an adequate kids menu with colors, more often times than not the crayons are those crappy kind that every kid hates because you can't tell the difference in red, yellow, or orange.  So frustrating.  If all else fails, break out the smart phone! It should obviously be equipped with talking friends, abcmouse apps and disney apps.

4.) Always instruct the waitress to bring the kids food out first!  Doesn't mean that they will, but hey, you tried.  If the kids food there is first then you have time to cut up, open ketchup, blow on, and sample ( to make sure there isn't rat poison in it of course!  A request from Max...I think he has overheard me refer to ramen noodles as poison one too many times).

5.) I know that when a restaurant describes itself as "kid friendly" the food is destined to taste like crap, but try and stick to these restaurant.  American's don't like to see or hear children, especially when they are eating and I don't think that is going to change, so unless you want a restaurant riot on your hands, stick to those restaurants that members of you cult (cult of the people with children) frequent.  If the restaurant doesn't even offer a high chair, turn around and run the other direction, try not to drop your Cheerios on the way out.  Any restaurant with a patio is great.  Nothing says kids like patio!
  * Side note- I have seen restaurants where they seriously would allow DOGS before they would allow children!  What is wrong with people?!

6.) Ask for the check as soon as your food arrives.  You know you are not going to feed those sugar fiends any dessert!  The waitress will look at you like you are rude, but they will inevitable dilly dally around and take too long for you to get your check anyways. She obviously doesn't have children and realize that a child can eat a 3 course meal in less than 10 minutes.  Wait, what are you doing at a 3 course meal place?!  They don't let kids in there!

Good luck to you.  We will pray for peace of your digestive tract from the inevitable heartburn from inhaling your food :)