Slightly serious.

I don't write about serious or emotional stuff often, mostly because life is serious and emotional, so why point it out.  However, this has been bothering me for a while now, about 4 years exactly.

I LOVE children!  I have always loved children.  Growing up I said I wanted 7, as I got older and started getting in relationships I said I wanted 6...probably a deal breaker for a lot of guys.  When Reed and I got married he completed knew of my dream to have a larger family, by this time my numbers were down considerably to 3-5, depending on how it goes with each child and how we feel we could handle it.  So, it shouldn't have been a surprise to most people that after my first child we soon had another, and after the 2nd, we of course wanted a 3rd.  Why this surprised some people I don't know!

Yes, 3 children is a lot of children, especially in this time era, but it is in no way a HUGE family.  Yes, I will admit that there are times when I am completely exhausted or so overwhelmed that I go take a shower and have a good cry, but let me point out that I did this when I only had 1 child!  It makes me feel better to have a little solitary cry.  I don't know why, but it just does...some type of stress relief maybe.  Most of the times when life feels hard and overwhelming it is completely MY fault.  My house, especially in the mornings, runs like a machine.  We have a very strict schedule (we have to with Max) and if we stick to it we don't have any problems.  The kids have their jobs, I have mine, and once we are done we use our free time to play or relax.  When I vary off the schedule, get a little lazy, worry about what other people think, or back off on discipline is when problems occur.  Keeping myself disciplined to never slack off is what makes life easy.

I am not sure why people think it is their business to tell me how many children I should have or what I can "handle," but it is extremely annoying.  Comparing my family dreams and hopes to The Duggars is not only overly dramatic and a huge exaggeration, but it is just flat out RUDE and absolutely NONE of your business! Yes, you can say that "my hands are full" because that is an observation and at times they literally are, but please lets stop at that.  Telling me that I "don't need, "can't handle," or "would be cheating my other children" is not only rude, none of your business and just mean, but also you have absolutely no way of knowing any of those statements to be true!  If you are not a regular visitor at my house during normal living hours, observing my children, and interacting with my children in normal circumstance then you have no idea what our life is like.  If you do not at least make regular appearances in our weekly routine they you don't even have the faintest idea of how we live our life.

I have seen both Max and Jerry grow and blossom every time we have added a new member to the family.  Max is completely nurturing, compassionate and the least selfish 4 year old you will ever meet!  I find these qualities to be much more desirable than a narcissistic, attention hoarding, spoiled only child (if it is your choice to only have 1 child, then that is great and I wish you the best of luck...absolutely none of my business to judge your family size either.)  Jerry is sweet, loud, but intensely loyal to his siblings.  We had our rough patch in the beginning when we adopted Abilene, but he was an over night big brother, he didn't get the normal adjustment period most children get, and he was terribly 2. I think Abilene loves her brothers more than she loves me sometimes.  Yes, she needs me, but she wants her brothers constantly.  None of my children are lacking attention, none of them are missing out, and certainly, none of them are suffering because of their sibling!!!  Children are not born with the sense of selfishness that seems to run rampant in today's society (I think selfishness occurs more often now because we have less children and create an atmosphere that makes it easy for children to be selfish, but that is an entirely different blog post!)  Children are born to love people with unconditional love and a servant's heart.  They want to help people, they want to make people happy, and most importantly they want love to be returned to them.  They see another sibling in the family as another person to love, another person to play with, and they will eventually realize, a life long friend ( I would be lost without my sisters!  They are truly my absolute best friends.)  The only reason they would be suffering is if I couldn't afford to feed/clothe/properly care for another child.  Believe me when I tell you, this is NOT the case.

Why did I chose to write this today?  Simple.  After Abilene joined our family we decided to pray that if we were meant to have more children that the child would find us.  No more actively looking for a child to adopt, no more stressing.  Guess what?!  We were called by a couple and a lawyer that wanted us to adopt their unborn child.  We didn't have a current home study, not a single plan in place and this family wanted to work with us no matter what the odds.  They had an amazing heart.  We turned them down...we turned down what we prayed for.  Basically we didn't have the money to do another adoption right now and our children would have suffered if we stretched our finances hard enough to pay that much money up front (if you don't know a lot about adoption, you should know that it is extremely expensive!)  It was just heart breaking to turn it down, it was even more heart breaking that we couldn't even tell anyone what we were going through because of the absolute lack of support.  Please don't make fun of our dreams, goals, what we love, and most importantly how we decide to build our life.  You think you know better and that you can "fix" my life and I'm sure I have some ideas of how I could improve yours, but at least I am not rude or arrogant enough to tell you what you need.  Give people the benefit of the doubt that they actually know what they want for their life that they probably but a lot more thought and time into than you do before you criticise.

Social conventions

Have you ever met somebody that just has a way with words? Somehow they are able to talk to anyone about anything, and speak so confidently that you wouldn't dare second guess what they are saying.  Well, I am NOT one of those people.  I have more of a flare for the written word, but this is because I have spent a lot of time reading and thinking (introverts like their alone time, doesn't get more alone than in your own head!).  Most of the time, not all the time, I think before I write.  Unless I am in a complete hurry I spell check at least once before I make anything public...and I still make mistakes all the time.  I wish I had a spell check option type thing for real life.  It would be so nice to be able to practice saying something and then hear yourself say it and then decide if it is good or at least interesting enough to be worth saying.

It isn't any kind of secret that I am a shy individual.  Combine shy with being an introvert and you get a social outcast, who kinda likes it that way most of the time.  Not a great combination for making friends, getting to know people, or being able to function in social situations without just being REALLY weird.  I have maybe 2 close friends who I feel comfortable talking with and actually like to be around and even they sometimes look at me like I have lost my mind.  Normal social conventions elude me most of the time and if you step too far out of these normal social conventions people either think 1 of 2 things, you are either crazy or just rude.  So most of the time I just don't step at all.  I just sit back, watch and listen.  

It was like a breath of fresh air when Reed and I got together.  I don't know it he was warned by my family of my weirdness, but he was never taken back.  From the very beginning he has been able to understand that I just suck at social gatherings and has also been able to pick up my slack and fix what I have probably damaged.  Before I even met his friends for the first time, he was considerate enough to tell them, "Don't ask her if something is wrong.  She is just really shy when you first meet her."  Reed's friends are awesome and now (6 years later) I consider them my friends too!  Yes, it has taken 6 whole stinking years for me to be able to go anywhere with our friends and not take my social buffer (Reed) along with me.  I have probably done some very inappropriate things in these 6 years and they have stuck it out...they didn't have a choice because Reed kept bringing me around, but they didn't complain lol.  

The problem arises when I am stuck in a new social situations and my social buffer is not able to come with me.  The most recent problems are in the mommy circle.  If I keep making all these moms think I am weird, rude, or crazy, they quit bringing their kids around and then my kids don't have any friends.  I wish I was just really super smart so I could blame it on that, but I'm not.  Reed says I just have to practice and watch how other people react in certain situations and I will get better.  Just like with everything else, practice makes perfect right?  It is just a weird thing to have to practice.  Max is officially school age, so I will be in a lot of social settings, therefore, I am going to have to learn, and learn quickly.  I knew the obvious things, like don't talk about :

1.) Politics

2.) Religion

3.) Money

Ok...but do you know what else is not ok?  When someone else brings up one of the big 3 and your response is "Not really a good subject for me, have anything else to talk about?"  Yep, then you are the narcissistic, rude person. Normally if it was a gathering more then 2 people I just wouldn't say anything, but you can't just turn into a mute when it is just you and another person right?  So cue the inappropriate, uncomfortable silence and then excuse yourself to go talk to your child 4 second to late.  

I am just curious if people are born with this gift of gab?  Do they just get more practice when they are young?  Not really sure how it happens, but maybe it is something I should look into.  For the record, I like myself just the way I am and I rarely wish that I was an extrovert.  I have grown to consider myself like a little hidden oyster...stick around and pry hard enough and you will find the pearl on the inside.  You will never find anyone more loyal, nurturing, and faithful I promise.  The ONLY time I feel bad about my lacking in the social department is when it affects my children.  Hopefully I will learn just enough so that my children have friends, or at least just enough so that parents will see that I am not crazy and their kids will be safe with me if they let their children come over to play.  

Old.

I know this will sound a little bit dramatic, but I feel like I am the oldest 26 year old in the entire world!!  This feeling is mostly a bad feeling, it rarely works out for my benefit.

When I am around my childless friends I feel like I might as well be 45.  Reasons why?  Here are just a few:

1.) The last movie I saw in theaters was the was the last Twilight movie. The time before that was the other Twilight movie!  I saw the new James Bond movie somewhere in between there, but I am averaging about 1-3 movies (non animated movies) a year.  I usually just wait until they come out on Amazon and then I get Reed to drive us to the movie theater, go in and get some popcorn, drive home and put the kids to bed and then order it on the Roku and pretend we are at the movies.  

     -I used to get so mad at adults with children who had no idea what movies were out or couldn't remember the last time they were at the movies, but now I completely understand!  Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a babysitter that will watch 3 children?!  Do you have any idea how much a babysitter cost to watch 3 children?! 

2.) I think my tv only has 2 channels :  Disney and the History Channel.  The kids only get to watch the Disney Chanel and Reed is obsessed with the History, so thats that.  There is no way I can keep up with the Kardashian's, check in on Modern Family, or even Love Lucy, even a little bit ( I just can't get enough of the old show!)

    -When I had one child, it was so easy to watch as much tv as I wanted, especially when they were in that lump of baby stage and really couldn't distinguish if you were watching Little Einsteins or the E! Channel.  I used to watch so much tv......   I do have my guilty pleasures of Grey's anatomy and usually whatever reality show is on at the time if Reed is working late, but it is very common for me to fall asleep in between commercials.  

3.) No idea what is happening in the real world.  Thank God for facebook because that is how I get my news.  The only way I know what is happening in politics or current events is due to the fact that I have about 4 very political friends and their statuses keep me as informed as I need to be at the moment.  

4.) I venture out of the house during times of the day that only housewives or the unemployed are out and about.  So I don't run into many people.

So when I am around my childless friends, which is basically all of them, we don't have a whole lot to talk about.  Can't discuss movies, tv, current events/politics, or even participate in a little shameless gossip.  Thankfully most of them have learned to ask if I have watched a movie or tv show before they completely spoil it for me! 

I only regularly speak to 2 women who are within my age range that have children and one only has 1 child and the other has 2.  I am so grateful for them!  We all completely understand that we don't have a lot of extra time and if we forget to text back for a couple hours or sometimes a couple days, we don't get hurt feelings.  I don't know anyone who is 26, or even 28 for that matter with 3 children.  Most people wait to start having their first child until their late 20's.  I started very early ( I was pregnant with Max when I was 21), and if your gonna have 1 might as well have 2 and then 3 right?  I sometimes feel like I have nothing in common with my generation.  I have friends that still go on wild and crazy spring breaks and celebrate Thursdays almost every week.  They can walk around in a bikini, stretch mark and fat free, and not feel the least bit self conscious.  Their hair is always fixed, they have amazing clothes that I absolutely envy, and if they decide they want to take off for the weekend for a little fun it is very easy for them.  Sometimes I get down and feel very envious that I am so young and living such an old lifestyle, but then I look in the eyes of my beautiful children and realize I wouldn't trade it for the world!  My life is full of cartoons, sticky messes, dirt, and recently a lot of pink, and it is absolutely fabulous, just in a different way than what most people consider fabulous. 

If you are reading this and don't have children and this made you decide to never have children, this is not my intention at all!  I love my life, I just feel REALLY old sometimes.  However, I know I will feel really young when my kids are grown and in college and I am only 44!  I think its ideal :)  So just in case you are on the fence about whether or not you want to have children, I will tell you some of the best things about kids and babies:

1.) The baby smell!  It doesn't get any better than that!

2.) Cuddles, cuddles, and more cuddles.  Sweet baby cuddles, sticky little boy cuddles, and spit filled kisses. 

3.) The complete unconditional love that you children give.  You will never, ever feel a love like that.  No matter how much you think your husband loves you, it is at least 5 times more than that! 

4.) Pretend play is awesome!  You get to run around the house and play superheroes, build massive lego structures that are bigger than  your children, and rediscover all the things you used to love to do as a child.  

5.) Only your kisses can fix the most recent ouch.  It will stay that way for a very long time, and even when they grow up, mama will always be the person they want when it gets really serious.  

6.) I hear grandkids are the best!  The only way you get those is to have children first.  As much as I don't want my children to grow up, I am very much looking forward to having grandchildren. 

7.) They make you laugh all the time!

I just love this one!! I have the slow poke and the Rod!  

I could go on for a while, but these are just the things that came to my mind as I was typing.  So yes, I may possibly be the oldest 26 year old in the entire world, but you can bet you ass I will be the youngest 44 year old you have ever seen, and in the meantime, I will be the best mama ever!  

I can't even imagine!

Yesterday Abilene had a constant fever.  I did everything I could to keep to down.  We rotated the regular meds and went to the chiropractor; we still could not keep her fever under 101.  It was exhausting and terrifying all at the same time.  My boys have been super sick before, but they were old enough to tell me what was wrong.  They never ran a fever when they were under a year old (other than a low grade teething fever).  So this was all very new to me.  When Max has a fever he walks up to me and say, "mama I think I have the bieber!"  When Max has a fever you can tell just by looking at him because his cheeks get super red.  When Jerry has a fever he gets really cranky and lays around, but he never carries the fever in his head, you have to feel his back to see if he has a fever, its kinda weird.

Abilene's fever caught me completely by surprise.  She was taking a nap and sleeping longer than usual, so I walk in to check on her and immediately notice the poor princess is burning up!  Sure enough, 103!  Just an ear infection, no worries, right?  All you have to do is keep the fever down.  By then time it was time for bed I was pretty stressed about her fever.  I set my alarm to go off for every 2 hours to check her fever and see if she needs any more medicine.

Between the alarms I couldn't sleep.  It got me to thinking that there are moms out there who do this every single day for most of their life.  They may never get a whole night of sleep again.  Jerry is so very small and at times crazy cranky, so the poor kid has been in and out of the doctor for the last year trying to figure out what is wrong.  Basically, the kid has crazy blood sugar.  Anyways, he is doing better for the time being, but what I am getting at is that with all these trips to the doctor I have been able to meet these amazing mothers who are having to deal with small children that are affected by type 1 diabetes.  These mothers are truly superheroes!  They never get to sleep through the night, constantly getting up to check on their child's blood sugar.  I just got a small glimpse of what that would be like checking Abilene's fever.  All I had to do was place my head on her head to make sure she didn't have a fever.  These mothers have to go into their child's room every single night, multiple times a night, and just praying that their child is still alive!  They have to do much more than check for a fever and it is so much more scary.  I can't imagine going into my child's room every night and just praying that we gave just the right amount of insulin to make it safely though the night.

I am sure there are other illness/diseases/sickness/etc that cause mothers to not be able to sleep through the night (which is probably just a small worry in the grand scheme of things), but this is the only one I have had close encounters with.  Anyways, that was just a thought I had today, again as I laid Abilene down to take a nap and thought about taking a nap myself, but couldn't bring myself to do it because of a slight fever.

Mommies in the park

My kids are loud, full of life, energetic, at times a little rough with the wrestling, and they really love to play with other children at the park.  They enjoy going and being able to go off on their own and play and I enjoy being able to sit and watch and be completely selfish for a little bit; enjoy some relaxing time because I know they are having fun.  So when we go to a park and I see mothers that are following their kids around on the playground narrating what is going on and constantly shouting "be careful" "not too fast" "watch out for_____!"  The first thing that comes to mind is "awwww shit!!!  This is going to completely suck!  Lets just get out of here alive!"  

I am all for playing with my kids at the park, I LOVE it! However, I don't love to play with them when there are OTHER children at the park...that is the main reason we came to the park right?  Outside time and some playtime with children their age.  Seems pretty obvious to me, but a lot of people just don't get it.  If my child comes over to me and wants me to push him in the swing, of course I will happily get up and play, but other than that they are left to play while I stretch, read a magazine, or steal a few bites of their snack.  I truly believe that children should be left to their own devices when interacting with peers.  They will not always have me there to help them interact, so why should I do it now?  We have a strict no tattling policy.  I don't care if little Johnny has had more than his fair share of time allotment on the swing!  Firstly, little Johnny is not my child, so there is no way in hell I will be THAT mother.  Secondly, the sooner my children realize that life is not fair and they need to just go with the flow, the better off they will be.  Unless my child is bleeding, hitting another child, or being disrespectful, I will NOT get involved.  Kids are going to argue about games, kids are going to fall and get hurt while playing, but in the process of all this chaos they actually make friends, have fun, and develop socially.

Where the problems start to happen is when these crazy women start to get in my parenting business. Here is a conversation that actually happened:
 I eventually heard from across the playground:

Crazy mother (CM)-"Um excuse me, your child is doing somersaults down the slide."
Me-  "Well, is my child anywhere near where your child is playing or preventing you and your child from doing an activity you want to be doing?"
CM- "No, but it looks dangerous."
Me- "I see him.  Its a 3 foot slide.  He will be fine."

This mother and her child leave the park...not sure why I pissed her off sooooo much, but she didn't like my somersaulting child one bit!  If the park was crowded and people were waiting for the slide I would be able to see the dilemma, but it was just us and her child.  Mind your own business please.

Here is another one, from a mother in Dallas who I actually thought we would get along with.

Max and this boy are playing Ninja turtles.  With an emphasis on the word NINJA, meaning they are playing with their actions figures, but mostly acting like ninjas themselves.  I figured that since the mom was sitting beside me and saw this going on she was ok with the ninja fighting of it all.  All is going great until a foot from Max's ninja kick actually connects with this poor guy's calf...probably hurt a little bit, but seriously, he is 4, I doubt it even leaves a bruise.  Max apologizes and asks if this kids wants a cookie to make him feel better and they continue on playing their game.  I think all is well....then suddenly Dallas mommy gets pissed at me!
 DM-"Your kid just kicked my kid!  Are you not going to do anything about it?!"
Me- "I'm sorry, I thought he was ok.  They are playing now."
DM- "Its not ok.  You can't just let your kid kick people."
Me- "I realize that, but he apologized and they are still playing.  I figured it was all ok."
DM- "Do you not put your child in time out for violent actions?"
Me- "They were playing Ninja Turtles!"

She was really really mad at me as well.  I didn't go make my child sit in time out or apologize AGAIN.  I just let them play.  She saw this as appalling and got up and moved to the other side of the playground...her loss, I'm a pretty fun person if you will just loosen up a bit, plus, not to brag too much, but I always have the best snacks at the park.  If she would have been nice, I probably would have shared lol.

I understand that there are different parenting philosophies out there. If you want to follow your child around the park narrating, go ahead.  For all I know he/she may suffer from some speech problems and you are using this as a fun time to increase his/her vocabulary.  Maybe you work and this is one of the only times you get to play and interact with your child.  I get it!  I am not the one calling you out on your parenting at the park.  I don't KNOW you, you don't KNOW me.  Can we please stop the mommy wars?!  When did being a mom become soooo controversial?  Maybe it is because I sometimes look younger than most moms at the park and they think they can walk all over me, or maybe these mothers just really think they are right all the time and they are educating me...not sure, but I am starting to feel like I need to take a Valium before we head to a crowded park.  If there is not drama with me and my kids, I can guarantee there will be drama between two other mamas!  Please take a chill pill Mamas!  Eat some of your kid's snack, you may just be hungry :)

Today I forgot!!

Today I forgot something and it made me feel amazing!

  We had a small injury at the house this morning (more on this later...maybe) and I of course had to make a call to the doctor.  Due to the fact that I have given our pediatrician A LOT of business that last 4 years, we have become pretty good friends.  After he immediately dismissed by injury questions as "its just one of those things, he will be fine", he asked about my other 2 children.  I of course went through the generic responses that they were doing great, minus the picky eating or normal toddler behavior.   He asked about Abilene and was wondering if I was having any allergy concerns or genetic concerns...basically if she was able to eat anything without having a reaction and if she was developing "normally."  I thought it was a weird question to ask so I responded by saying, "she is the best baby I have!  She is a great eater and I don't worry much about allergies since her brothers don't have any food allergies."

Looooonnnng pause....

Dr.- "Ok, so you know that Abilene has brothers? "
Me- "What?! Of course I know that she does, they live with me."
Dr.- "I think we are not on the same page here.  I know you are intelligent, but do I need to explain genetics and hereditary allergies to you?"
Me- "Wow, I am so sorry I completely forgot Abilene was adopted!"

I am not sure when I forgot that Abilene was adopted, but I am glad it happened.  Abilene is almost 8 months old now and for the most part I don't think anyone looks at her any differently than they do my other children.  It was always a huge fear of mine that when I looked at my adopted child I would only see the birthmother/birthfather and always feel a sense of loss that we will be missing a link together.

Then I finally realized that the only time I remember that Abilene is adopted is when someone else points it out to me.  Sometimes a friend or somebody will ask if I have heard from the birthmother or something like that and I am always happy to talk about our birthmother, but I honestly forget about her.

I love this!

I am not sure if it is a normal fear for adoptive parents, but I was always scared that my daughter would behave, act, look, or speak so differently than myself and my family that I would always think, "oh, its because she was adopted.  She doesn't have my genetics."  I have always believed in nurture instead of nature, but when it came right down to it, I obviously feared the nature side.  It was such a relief today to realize that I completely treated Abilene just like my biological children and I obviously saw her as no different than Max and Jerry.

Basically, today one of my adoption fears were put to rest and I am very happy about that :)