Intervention

Welcome to my revealing post about my day of being a scary hot mess and the biggest realization I have had since I have become a mom.

In January my house took the new years resolution to a whole new level of committed with 3 simple steps:

1.) Very minimal tv.  Only 30 minutes in the morning and 1 hour at night winding down before bath.
    * This is exhausting!!  I really realized how much I relied on tv "babysit" my kids so I could get stuff done.
2.) At least an hour workout everyday.
   * This wasn't a huge adjustment, but compiled with never resting because of no tv, it really starts to take a toll.
3.) Eat healthier.  No more pre packaged, just add water type of foods and no more eating out (except 1 day a week).
   * This means I have  to cook 3 meals a day (and pick up) plus 2 snacks for the kids.  Not Mac n cheese kind of meals.  These meals take time and planning.

These 3 things sounded simple, but they weren't!  I should have started slower, but I am crazy so I didn't.  So what happened?  Something that scared even my husband.  A week before we were supposed to go to Disneyworld, I wake up to get the day started, I feel a little dizzy sitting up, but ignore it.  As soon as I stand up and feel the weight on my legs I completely collapse and hit the ground.  Thank God I wasn't holding a baby in my arms!  Reed runs over looking terrified and says "whats you deal?!"  I say I am just dizzy and tired and get up and go on with my day.  I feel dizzy, nauseous, and shaky all morning and finally nap time arrives.  As with all things ironic, the kids won't sleep.  I start to cry, not sob or just have a little tears, but full blown crying with the hiccups...for absolutely no reason and I can't stop.  I call my husband and tell him he has to come home from work there is something wrong with me.  He immediately rushes home and I am sitting on the living room floor with kids surrounding me and just staring at me.  I know I am scaring my children with the crying, but why can't I stop, I physically can't stop!  Reed picks me up, carries me to our room, lays me in bed, turns off the lights and takes the kids to the other room.  He let me sleep for 5 hours and then wakes me up and says I have to eat  something...the tears and shakes start back!  What's wrong with me?!  Too tired to even make myself eat and crying my husband makes me eat spoonfuls of tear stained peanut butter.  At this point Reed is very concerned at talking about going to the hospital.  Is it dehydration?  Flu? Low blood sugar?  I never  ever ever cry.  I never get the shakes, never collapse, and for sure never let my kids see me cry.  I convince him to just give me a couple more hours and see how it goes.  I go back to sleep for 12 more hours!!

When I finally wake up I feel a little better.  Not like my usual self, but much better.  Then Reed says its intervention time.  He tells me everyday does not have to be perfect.  Somedays it is ok to watch too much tv.  We don't have to do a craft project everyday.  Letting the kids play by themselves is good for them.  If they eat a meal that isn't 100% organic or heaven forbid, fast food THAT IS OK.  Somedays  OK has to be good enough.  I can't keep waging a mommy war against myself.  I perfected my way to exhaustion.  I consider myself pretty tough, but my body and brain had just had enough.  Why did I feel the need to be perfect?  I know my kids loved me before I started trying to be "better."  I know I was doing a good job before I started having crazy expectations.  It is in my nature to be ridiculously competitive, thanks Dad :) but motherhood has seemed to take it to a whole new level.  I can remember the day Max was born and I was looking at him in the little incubator I thought "I am going to do everything I can to be the best mother in the world!"  Yes, I know every mother thinks this when their children are born, but I took it to the level of obsession.  I was obsessed with making sure my kids ended everyday thinking " wow that was fun!"  For 4 solid years I have been exhausted and I have been constantly trying to one up MYSELF!  I guess it finally took it's toll.

So, our new goal around this house has been to happily simplify life.  I have always wanted short hair and I thought it would easier to deal with, so decided to cut it all off.  I love it!  I remember not wanting to make my bed first thing in the morning when I was little, so I don't anymore.  What does it matter if I make my bed before or after breakfast?!  Feeling too tired to cook supper...sandwiches for everyone.

Please mommies, don't wage a mommy war with yourself, it is not worth it!  I feel so much more relaxed now.  Sometimes OK has to be good enough.  I have to remind myself that every single day, but I really am much happier now that I am not freaking out about every single second of every single day.