crazy thinking,

Have you ever felt your heart/soul/spirit, whatever you want to call it, pulled to something?  Something completely illogical, crazy, and seemingly impossible?  I have been dealing with this for about 2 years and I'm not going to say it is a daily struggle, but it is a struggle nonetheless.

When we started on our adoption path and trying to figure out which path was right for us, meaning, domestic, foster, or international, we were very naive about the whole thing.  We figured that there are tons of babies out there that need good homes, so this should be easy.  As the year and a half went on, we soon figured out it was not so easy.  We decided to obviously go the domestic route.  Foster was completely out of the question.  I do not have the heart to watch children get tossed around in a system of mostly (not all, but most) worthless parents to have chances over and over.  Plus I didn't want the instability in my 2 son's lives of not knowing if the current foster child was going to be allowed to stay in our life.  We were leaning heavily to international, but due to some heavy opposition and travel cost reasons we decided to go with domestic.  Once Abilene was here we could really see where all the timing and guidance played a part.  It could not have worked out more perfectly.  Abilene is a perfect baby girl and has always felt like she was meant to be here.

What I am getting at is while we were going through our adoption both Reed and I were drawn to the Republic of Congo...not a popular place to adopt from, so it is weird that we even stumbled upon it.  I figured that after I adopted Abilene this pull towards the Congo would go away...but it hasn't.  Why in the world is my heart reaching towards Congo?  Why am I even thinking about Congo?! I do not have time to even think about this.  I have 3 small children!

It is completely nuts to want to go through the adoption process again, especially internationally for many many many many many reasons!

1.) I have 3 children!!  What in the world would I do with 4?!

2.) Adopting internationally is expensive.  So unless I win the lottery ( that I don't even play) or stumble upon some huge sum of money its not even a possibility.

3.) The children adopted from Congo are obviously a different race than me and the rest of my family.  I live in an area that is still full of hate, stereotypes, and racism...sad but true.  Would this cause so many problems the older the child gets?  Would he/she fit in or constantly feel in a state of confusion?  Would it cause trouble for the children I already have?

4.) Having 3 children costs a lot of money.  By adding another child to the family we would have even less for each child.  So I would be sacrificing the life of my children financially to add another child to our family.  We just got back from Disney and I saw how expensive it was!  Would we ever be able to afford to go on any vacations with 4 children?

5.) My car is full of carseats!  I know that sounds like a stupid reason, but 4 carseat in a backseat with only 4 seats...sounds a little cramped.

6.)My house is getting pretty full.  I always said I wanted a house full of children...and I have one!  Every bedroom of my house has a child in it...I think I can call that full.

7.) When you adopt internationally you get an older child...you can hope that the child comes home when he/she is under a year old, but no guarantee.  I don't know about the bonding process with an older child, let alone the development of a child who was raised in very poor conditions, barely surviving.

So for all of those reasons we are obviously not pursuing another adoption through Congo.  I just can't help and think about it a lot.  I know a lot of you, my family especially, think I am crazy and maybe I am.  I just wanted to share what has been on my mind lately.  Don't start looking for another child to join our family, 3 is a lot and we are full of love and happiness.  It would have to be complete divine intervention for something like that to happen, but if anyone out there is thinking about adoption, look seriously at Congo.  It is a country that is torn my war, disease, and complete poverty.

A little girl happy to be flying home with her forever family 

what the orphanages in Congo look like...completely full and empty of necessary supplies  

Truly beautiful children just waiting for someone to come welcome them into their family.

As you can tell my heart really aches for this country and especially these children.