Welcome to my revealing post about my day of being a scary hot mess and the biggest realization I have had since I have become a mom.
In January my house took the new years resolution to a whole new level of committed with 3 simple steps:
1.) Very minimal tv. Only 30 minutes in the morning and 1 hour at night winding down before bath.
* This is exhausting!! I really realized how much I relied on tv "babysit" my kids so I could get stuff done.
2.) At least an hour workout everyday.
* This wasn't a huge adjustment, but compiled with never resting because of no tv, it really starts to take a toll.
3.) Eat healthier. No more pre packaged, just add water type of foods and no more eating out (except 1 day a week).
* This means I have to cook 3 meals a day (and pick up) plus 2 snacks for the kids. Not Mac n cheese kind of meals. These meals take time and planning.
These 3 things sounded simple, but they weren't! I should have started slower, but I am crazy so I didn't. So what happened? Something that scared even my husband. A week before we were supposed to go to Disneyworld, I wake up to get the day started, I feel a little dizzy sitting up, but ignore it. As soon as I stand up and feel the weight on my legs I completely collapse and hit the ground. Thank God I wasn't holding a baby in my arms! Reed runs over looking terrified and says "whats you deal?!" I say I am just dizzy and tired and get up and go on with my day. I feel dizzy, nauseous, and shaky all morning and finally nap time arrives. As with all things ironic, the kids won't sleep. I start to cry, not sob or just have a little tears, but full blown crying with the hiccups...for absolutely no reason and I can't stop. I call my husband and tell him he has to come home from work there is something wrong with me. He immediately rushes home and I am sitting on the living room floor with kids surrounding me and just staring at me. I know I am scaring my children with the crying, but why can't I stop, I physically can't stop! Reed picks me up, carries me to our room, lays me in bed, turns off the lights and takes the kids to the other room. He let me sleep for 5 hours and then wakes me up and says I have to eat something...the tears and shakes start back! What's wrong with me?! Too tired to even make myself eat and crying my husband makes me eat spoonfuls of tear stained peanut butter. At this point Reed is very concerned at talking about going to the hospital. Is it dehydration? Flu? Low blood sugar? I never ever ever cry. I never get the shakes, never collapse, and for sure never let my kids see me cry. I convince him to just give me a couple more hours and see how it goes. I go back to sleep for 12 more hours!!
When I finally wake up I feel a little better. Not like my usual self, but much better. Then Reed says its intervention time. He tells me everyday does not have to be perfect. Somedays it is ok to watch too much tv. We don't have to do a craft project everyday. Letting the kids play by themselves is good for them. If they eat a meal that isn't 100% organic or heaven forbid, fast food THAT IS OK. Somedays OK has to be good enough. I can't keep waging a mommy war against myself. I perfected my way to exhaustion. I consider myself pretty tough, but my body and brain had just had enough. Why did I feel the need to be perfect? I know my kids loved me before I started trying to be "better." I know I was doing a good job before I started having crazy expectations. It is in my nature to be ridiculously competitive, thanks Dad :) but motherhood has seemed to take it to a whole new level. I can remember the day Max was born and I was looking at him in the little incubator I thought "I am going to do everything I can to be the best mother in the world!" Yes, I know every mother thinks this when their children are born, but I took it to the level of obsession. I was obsessed with making sure my kids ended everyday thinking " wow that was fun!" For 4 solid years I have been exhausted and I have been constantly trying to one up MYSELF! I guess it finally took it's toll.
So, our new goal around this house has been to happily simplify life. I have always wanted short hair and I thought it would easier to deal with, so decided to cut it all off. I love it! I remember not wanting to make my bed first thing in the morning when I was little, so I don't anymore. What does it matter if I make my bed before or after breakfast?! Feeling too tired to cook supper...sandwiches for everyone.
Please mommies, don't wage a mommy war with yourself, it is not worth it! I feel so much more relaxed now. Sometimes OK has to be good enough. I have to remind myself that every single day, but I really am much happier now that I am not freaking out about every single second of every single day.
Mrs. know it all mother for 5 seconds knows it best...
I still consider myself a new mother. Yes, I have 3 children, but they are all still very young, so in the grand scheme of things I am a new mother. I am not a new mother to the newborn/baby stage by any means, but for everything else I am a new mother. Even if I wasn't a new mother and I had children who had grown up left the house and possibly reproduced making me a wonderful fun loving Nana, I would never ever behave the way some women act.
It seems like the moment you are pregnant enough for the world to realize that you didn't just eat a big lunch every single person you encounter has a very specific opinion, "suggestion," or even at times a order for you and your growing baby. It only gets worse once the baby gets here! You have the breast feeding Nazi who basically accuses you or poisoning your child with formula (yes I did breast feed, but many of my close friends have not and I support either way...my adopted daughter is drinking the arsenic filled formula after all.) Then you encounter your crib only crazies who don't think you shouldn't even nap with your child in your arms...they clearly haven't experienced colic, acid reflux, or teething...or they might have full time help, who knows. Then comes potty training, too early, too soon, yadda yadda yadda...
Please, please, please, please, don't be that mother that thinks she is ALWAYS right and always has an opinion about every single thing you, especially at times when you don't ask. There are many theories when you are raising children (attachment, Ferber method, baby led weaning) not to mention parenting styles (are you the crunchy mama, tiger mom, hover parent, raising your child with the French style of parenting) and it is often as big of a deal as your religion or political stance, so please people, treat it with a little sensitivity. The mother you are dissing probably spent a lot of time and energy in deciding every aspect of raising her child, so give her a little respect. Parenting is hard! There are so many options and very little time to decide.
I try very hard to only give advice when it is asked. You will never find me getting into an argument about breast being best or you must do tummy time...because a lot of times breast just doesn't work for some mothers and who knows how much time the baby spends in an ergo...same thing as tummy time (which I was told by a very helpful mama when I was nervous about tummy time). The point is, you never know what goes on out of the public eye and how the family dynamics work out. If the children look healthy, happy, and thriving, then leave well enough alone until you are asked for your expert opinion. Even when you are asked I always like to give the disclaimer that every child and mother is different and you will find what works best for you through trial and error, but this is what I do....
I really wish all these mamas would just give each other a break, we are all trying our best to raise little humans to be good people. If we would just help out more instead of criticise ALL the time, life would be so much more fun...by helping I don't mean advice all the time, I mean offering up a wet wipe to a mother who is out, or watching a diaper bag while a mother chases after an insane toddler on a sugar high. These small and simple things can really make a good difference in a mother's day...unwarranted advice, skepticism, and criticizing over the mother's lunch choices for her children will only make her life harder and day longer that it already is.
Well that was a little bit of a rant today, but I feel better lol.
It seems like the moment you are pregnant enough for the world to realize that you didn't just eat a big lunch every single person you encounter has a very specific opinion, "suggestion," or even at times a order for you and your growing baby. It only gets worse once the baby gets here! You have the breast feeding Nazi who basically accuses you or poisoning your child with formula (yes I did breast feed, but many of my close friends have not and I support either way...my adopted daughter is drinking the arsenic filled formula after all.) Then you encounter your crib only crazies who don't think you shouldn't even nap with your child in your arms...they clearly haven't experienced colic, acid reflux, or teething...or they might have full time help, who knows. Then comes potty training, too early, too soon, yadda yadda yadda...
Please, please, please, please, don't be that mother that thinks she is ALWAYS right and always has an opinion about every single thing you, especially at times when you don't ask. There are many theories when you are raising children (attachment, Ferber method, baby led weaning) not to mention parenting styles (are you the crunchy mama, tiger mom, hover parent, raising your child with the French style of parenting) and it is often as big of a deal as your religion or political stance, so please people, treat it with a little sensitivity. The mother you are dissing probably spent a lot of time and energy in deciding every aspect of raising her child, so give her a little respect. Parenting is hard! There are so many options and very little time to decide.
I try very hard to only give advice when it is asked. You will never find me getting into an argument about breast being best or you must do tummy time...because a lot of times breast just doesn't work for some mothers and who knows how much time the baby spends in an ergo...same thing as tummy time (which I was told by a very helpful mama when I was nervous about tummy time). The point is, you never know what goes on out of the public eye and how the family dynamics work out. If the children look healthy, happy, and thriving, then leave well enough alone until you are asked for your expert opinion. Even when you are asked I always like to give the disclaimer that every child and mother is different and you will find what works best for you through trial and error, but this is what I do....
I really wish all these mamas would just give each other a break, we are all trying our best to raise little humans to be good people. If we would just help out more instead of criticise ALL the time, life would be so much more fun...by helping I don't mean advice all the time, I mean offering up a wet wipe to a mother who is out, or watching a diaper bag while a mother chases after an insane toddler on a sugar high. These small and simple things can really make a good difference in a mother's day...unwarranted advice, skepticism, and criticizing over the mother's lunch choices for her children will only make her life harder and day longer that it already is.
Naked protesters.
I have 2 naked protesters! My 2 sons literally repel clothes. I'm not sure how it happens, but they never seem to be wearing any clothes. Not such an immediate issue when it is just us chilling at the house, but when we have a surprise visitor walk in and my 2 sons are just walking around with whackers hanging out, it tends to become an immediate issue.
Max is at the age where he should be putting on his own clothes...something you have to teach children how to do, who knew?! Not sure why I just thought he would eventually figure out how to put clothes on all by himself, but kids need step by step instruction for putting on each separate article of clothing ( at least this is my experience with boys). So let operation make putting on clothes as excruciating and frustrating as possible begin!!
Normal scenario in our house every single day, 2 times a day:
Max goes to get his chore card to put on his clothes (yes my ADHD child need to be reminded with a card to put on clothes). I hear the usual disclaimer of "um mama, I just like to wear my underwears today, its beary hot!" Then I waste another 5 minutes opening the door to outside and making him describe the weather conditions. If its not swimming weather outside, you have to wear clothes, you never know what might happen to where we have to leave quickly (minor crisis happen around here at least every 2 hours). After we go through this process of explaining why he has to wear clothes he immediately gets sick, tired, hungry, stuck, or his body just goes completely lifeless on the floor in protest. The only way I have been able to make him wear clothes is by saying "Sadie (our boxer) is going to eat you whacker if you don't put clothes on!" Yes, I know its bad and maybe a little scary, but it works and I'm not yelling or fighting with my child...win-win to me. He always manages to at least get the underwear on by himself without any assistance and a lot of times he gets one leg into his pants before he gets distracted or has a complete meltdown of the "I can't's!" I always break down and assist him about this time because honestly I have things to do. By some type of strange black magic my son is magically able to transform from a 50 pound toddler into a 150 pound midget man who is unable to control his body movements or support his own weight. After finally managing to wrangle his pants on I think "hmmm, maybe he doesn't really need to wear a shirt today, " but I know if I don't dress him completely, he will inevitably undress as soon as I am distracted. The shirt covers Max's face for less than 3 seconds and he starts complaining that he is "trapped in here!" Kid one completely dressed! Workout one accomplished!
Now to find that crazy little man, Jerry. He is always running around with some type of snack in his hand completely naked. However, when it is time to put clothes on his vanishes. Jerry is a little guy, he can fit anywhere! I usually only find him by following the sound of tiny little giggles because he thinks he is soooo funny hiding from the woman that insists he wear clothes like every other person in the world. Usually he is actually hiding under my clothes in the closet, so I drag him out by his ankle and make a quick playful jump to scoop his little naked body up before he can dash away. He finds this all hilarious and it kinda is, and also mostly my fault for making a game out of the whole thing. When it become not so funny is when he runs away halfway dressed, most times one leg is the only thing in his pants or the shirt is covering his head then inevitably runs into a door or piece of furniture causing our hopefully first injury of the day. Is it bad that I immediately think "please don't bleed on those jeans I just put on!"? Anyways, this kid is dressed and hopefully not requiring medical attention so we can go on with our day.
Once we get back from town it is a like a swarm of clothes flying everywhere as soon as we walk into the house. Jeans here, shirt on the couch, shoes in the car, socks on the stairs...kinda like a midget strip tease. Follow the clothes and you will find the naked rowdy little boys. We always compromise with wearing "comfy clothes" at the house when our errands are done, meaning no jeans or button up shirts allowed.
Why do my children like to be naked ALL the time?! Why is it such a struggle to get them dressed and when is the magical day that my son will willingly put on his own clothes? I hear this is a boy problem and that girls will be more than happy to oblige in a game of dress up and it is getting the clothes off that is hell. Abilene, you better not let me down!
Max is at the age where he should be putting on his own clothes...something you have to teach children how to do, who knew?! Not sure why I just thought he would eventually figure out how to put clothes on all by himself, but kids need step by step instruction for putting on each separate article of clothing ( at least this is my experience with boys). So let operation make putting on clothes as excruciating and frustrating as possible begin!!
Normal scenario in our house every single day, 2 times a day:
Max goes to get his chore card to put on his clothes (yes my ADHD child need to be reminded with a card to put on clothes). I hear the usual disclaimer of "um mama, I just like to wear my underwears today, its beary hot!" Then I waste another 5 minutes opening the door to outside and making him describe the weather conditions. If its not swimming weather outside, you have to wear clothes, you never know what might happen to where we have to leave quickly (minor crisis happen around here at least every 2 hours). After we go through this process of explaining why he has to wear clothes he immediately gets sick, tired, hungry, stuck, or his body just goes completely lifeless on the floor in protest. The only way I have been able to make him wear clothes is by saying "Sadie (our boxer) is going to eat you whacker if you don't put clothes on!" Yes, I know its bad and maybe a little scary, but it works and I'm not yelling or fighting with my child...win-win to me. He always manages to at least get the underwear on by himself without any assistance and a lot of times he gets one leg into his pants before he gets distracted or has a complete meltdown of the "I can't's!" I always break down and assist him about this time because honestly I have things to do. By some type of strange black magic my son is magically able to transform from a 50 pound toddler into a 150 pound midget man who is unable to control his body movements or support his own weight. After finally managing to wrangle his pants on I think "hmmm, maybe he doesn't really need to wear a shirt today, " but I know if I don't dress him completely, he will inevitably undress as soon as I am distracted. The shirt covers Max's face for less than 3 seconds and he starts complaining that he is "trapped in here!" Kid one completely dressed! Workout one accomplished!
Now to find that crazy little man, Jerry. He is always running around with some type of snack in his hand completely naked. However, when it is time to put clothes on his vanishes. Jerry is a little guy, he can fit anywhere! I usually only find him by following the sound of tiny little giggles because he thinks he is soooo funny hiding from the woman that insists he wear clothes like every other person in the world. Usually he is actually hiding under my clothes in the closet, so I drag him out by his ankle and make a quick playful jump to scoop his little naked body up before he can dash away. He finds this all hilarious and it kinda is, and also mostly my fault for making a game out of the whole thing. When it become not so funny is when he runs away halfway dressed, most times one leg is the only thing in his pants or the shirt is covering his head then inevitably runs into a door or piece of furniture causing our hopefully first injury of the day. Is it bad that I immediately think "please don't bleed on those jeans I just put on!"? Anyways, this kid is dressed and hopefully not requiring medical attention so we can go on with our day.
Once we get back from town it is a like a swarm of clothes flying everywhere as soon as we walk into the house. Jeans here, shirt on the couch, shoes in the car, socks on the stairs...kinda like a midget strip tease. Follow the clothes and you will find the naked rowdy little boys. We always compromise with wearing "comfy clothes" at the house when our errands are done, meaning no jeans or button up shirts allowed.
Why do my children like to be naked ALL the time?! Why is it such a struggle to get them dressed and when is the magical day that my son will willingly put on his own clothes? I hear this is a boy problem and that girls will be more than happy to oblige in a game of dress up and it is getting the clothes off that is hell. Abilene, you better not let me down!
crazy thinking,
Have you ever felt your heart/soul/spirit, whatever you want to call it, pulled to something? Something completely illogical, crazy, and seemingly impossible? I have been dealing with this for about 2 years and I'm not going to say it is a daily struggle, but it is a struggle nonetheless.
When we started on our adoption path and trying to figure out which path was right for us, meaning, domestic, foster, or international, we were very naive about the whole thing. We figured that there are tons of babies out there that need good homes, so this should be easy. As the year and a half went on, we soon figured out it was not so easy. We decided to obviously go the domestic route. Foster was completely out of the question. I do not have the heart to watch children get tossed around in a system of mostly (not all, but most) worthless parents to have chances over and over. Plus I didn't want the instability in my 2 son's lives of not knowing if the current foster child was going to be allowed to stay in our life. We were leaning heavily to international, but due to some heavy opposition and travel cost reasons we decided to go with domestic. Once Abilene was here we could really see where all the timing and guidance played a part. It could not have worked out more perfectly. Abilene is a perfect baby girl and has always felt like she was meant to be here.
What I am getting at is while we were going through our adoption both Reed and I were drawn to the Republic of Congo...not a popular place to adopt from, so it is weird that we even stumbled upon it. I figured that after I adopted Abilene this pull towards the Congo would go away...but it hasn't. Why in the world is my heart reaching towards Congo? Why am I even thinking about Congo?! I do not have time to even think about this. I have 3 small children!
It is completely nuts to want to go through the adoption process again, especially internationally for many many many many many reasons!
1.) I have 3 children!! What in the world would I do with 4?!
2.) Adopting internationally is expensive. So unless I win the lottery ( that I don't even play) or stumble upon some huge sum of money its not even a possibility.
3.) The children adopted from Congo are obviously a different race than me and the rest of my family. I live in an area that is still full of hate, stereotypes, and racism...sad but true. Would this cause so many problems the older the child gets? Would he/she fit in or constantly feel in a state of confusion? Would it cause trouble for the children I already have?
4.) Having 3 children costs a lot of money. By adding another child to the family we would have even less for each child. So I would be sacrificing the life of my children financially to add another child to our family. We just got back from Disney and I saw how expensive it was! Would we ever be able to afford to go on any vacations with 4 children?
5.) My car is full of carseats! I know that sounds like a stupid reason, but 4 carseat in a backseat with only 4 seats...sounds a little cramped.
6.)My house is getting pretty full. I always said I wanted a house full of children...and I have one! Every bedroom of my house has a child in it...I think I can call that full.
7.) When you adopt internationally you get an older child...you can hope that the child comes home when he/she is under a year old, but no guarantee. I don't know about the bonding process with an older child, let alone the development of a child who was raised in very poor conditions, barely surviving.
So for all of those reasons we are obviously not pursuing another adoption through Congo. I just can't help and think about it a lot. I know a lot of you, my family especially, think I am crazy and maybe I am. I just wanted to share what has been on my mind lately. Don't start looking for another child to join our family, 3 is a lot and we are full of love and happiness. It would have to be complete divine intervention for something like that to happen, but if anyone out there is thinking about adoption, look seriously at Congo. It is a country that is torn my war, disease, and complete poverty.
As you can tell my heart really aches for this country and especially these children.
When we started on our adoption path and trying to figure out which path was right for us, meaning, domestic, foster, or international, we were very naive about the whole thing. We figured that there are tons of babies out there that need good homes, so this should be easy. As the year and a half went on, we soon figured out it was not so easy. We decided to obviously go the domestic route. Foster was completely out of the question. I do not have the heart to watch children get tossed around in a system of mostly (not all, but most) worthless parents to have chances over and over. Plus I didn't want the instability in my 2 son's lives of not knowing if the current foster child was going to be allowed to stay in our life. We were leaning heavily to international, but due to some heavy opposition and travel cost reasons we decided to go with domestic. Once Abilene was here we could really see where all the timing and guidance played a part. It could not have worked out more perfectly. Abilene is a perfect baby girl and has always felt like she was meant to be here.
What I am getting at is while we were going through our adoption both Reed and I were drawn to the Republic of Congo...not a popular place to adopt from, so it is weird that we even stumbled upon it. I figured that after I adopted Abilene this pull towards the Congo would go away...but it hasn't. Why in the world is my heart reaching towards Congo? Why am I even thinking about Congo?! I do not have time to even think about this. I have 3 small children!
It is completely nuts to want to go through the adoption process again, especially internationally for many many many many many reasons!
1.) I have 3 children!! What in the world would I do with 4?!
2.) Adopting internationally is expensive. So unless I win the lottery ( that I don't even play) or stumble upon some huge sum of money its not even a possibility.
3.) The children adopted from Congo are obviously a different race than me and the rest of my family. I live in an area that is still full of hate, stereotypes, and racism...sad but true. Would this cause so many problems the older the child gets? Would he/she fit in or constantly feel in a state of confusion? Would it cause trouble for the children I already have?
4.) Having 3 children costs a lot of money. By adding another child to the family we would have even less for each child. So I would be sacrificing the life of my children financially to add another child to our family. We just got back from Disney and I saw how expensive it was! Would we ever be able to afford to go on any vacations with 4 children?
5.) My car is full of carseats! I know that sounds like a stupid reason, but 4 carseat in a backseat with only 4 seats...sounds a little cramped.
6.)My house is getting pretty full. I always said I wanted a house full of children...and I have one! Every bedroom of my house has a child in it...I think I can call that full.
7.) When you adopt internationally you get an older child...you can hope that the child comes home when he/she is under a year old, but no guarantee. I don't know about the bonding process with an older child, let alone the development of a child who was raised in very poor conditions, barely surviving.
So for all of those reasons we are obviously not pursuing another adoption through Congo. I just can't help and think about it a lot. I know a lot of you, my family especially, think I am crazy and maybe I am. I just wanted to share what has been on my mind lately. Don't start looking for another child to join our family, 3 is a lot and we are full of love and happiness. It would have to be complete divine intervention for something like that to happen, but if anyone out there is thinking about adoption, look seriously at Congo. It is a country that is torn my war, disease, and complete poverty.
 |
| A little girl happy to be flying home with her forever family |
 |
| what the orphanages in Congo look like...completely full and empty of necessary supplies |
 |
| Truly beautiful children just waiting for someone to come welcome them into their family. |
As you can tell my heart really aches for this country and especially these children.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)