Sometimes I Don't Do It.

At least once a week someone says to me "I just don't know how you do it!"  I am not sure if this is a compliment or an insult that my children are so bad that they couldn't possibly do it, but either way I want to point out that somedays I don't "do it."

My wonderful and extremely supportive mother-in law has told me several times that I am an amazing mother! What a huge compliment!  I mean in the history of mother-in law and daughter-in law relationships we truly break the mold, she is a great encourager and never fails to compliment me at just the right moment.  Of course my own mother compliments my parenting, but she has to do that :)  My mother-in law has no obligation to think I am great whatsoever.  Knowing that people who are truly involved in my life think I am doing a great job raising tiny humans makes me feel like what I am doing is all worth it...what I am doing is actually working!!

What I am trying to point out is that even though people think I am an amazing mother I have days that I just can't do it any longer.  I have many, many days that I don't even feel like an average mother.  Sometimes I even go so far as to admit to my close friends that I am just "done," "I can't take it a second longer today!" or "I just need a little break from all the tiny hands!"  Which makes me feel like such a terrible person because I sought after and prayed for all these tiny hands that are constantly reaching for me.  On days I feel like a terrible mother I not only feel like I am letting my kids down, but I am also letting all the people who think I am great down.  Thoughts run through my head like, "man, if they saw me just shriek at my children to get off the laundry they would no longer be impressed!" or "If they really saw how I sometimes wave my kids off with an I don't care answer, they would be so disappointed."

On days, like yesterday, that sleepyness took over, exhaustion set in, and a stressful week has taken its toll, I feel completely disappointed in myself, full of shame, and that my priorities are completely out of whack that I can't even make it until bedtime to make sure I don't loose my temper or take a tone with my kids.  When the kids go to bed I feel full of guilt that I didn't enjoy that bedtime story and even possibly skipped a few pages because I selfishly wanted to just put myself first instead of second fifth.

Somedays I just get so tired that I use the tv a babysitter so I can sit down and eat lunch while my kids are zoned out.  Once I even told my kids it was freezing outside because I was too tired to keep up with their outside playing (its was about 80 degrees, but my kids absolutely hate cold weather).   However, at the end of these day that I don't do my best and I just try to make it through the day without psychologically damaging my kids with my bad attitude I absolutely hate myself!  I go to sleep promising myself that I will be better.  I want to be better.  I want to do better.  I want to never have days like those again.  I want to be more than a mama.

I want to be:

A friend
     Someone my children always know they can come to for playtime, conversations, in happiness and sadness.

I want to be more spontaneous.
      Go off the schedule without actually planning to go off the schedule.  And enjoy the spontaneity, instead of worrying the whole time if this is going to throw off everyone's sleep schedule or make Max completely loose it.

I want to say yes far more than I say no!
      I want to be able to go to bed at night and have a hard time remembering how many times I said yes today instead of the other way around.

I want to be a protector
        I want my children to always feel safe with me.  Not constrained but completely and totally safe all the time.

I want to be reliable
     I want my children to always rely on me for comfort and nurturing.  I don't want them to ever have to worry if I am in a bad mood or won't react well. I want to to know above all they can count on me to be everything I listed above.

I just want to be the best mother ever!  Is that too much to ask?!

So on days I feel like I am about to loose it, like I felt yesterday, I have to remember that I want to be better, I don't want to be the person I am feeling like.  Yes, maybe on days that I just can't take another second of being needed or one more tiny hand grabbing in my direction; when those fingers are no longer cute in the moment and I would rather bite them than hold them... then those are the days I will probably just need to step away.  No, these days do not happen often and I feel terrible admitting them to everyone, but I KNOW EVERY mother feels the same way at times (whether you only have 1 child or you have 9 children, everyone is entitled to be overwhelmed and tired when dealing with tiny humans! ).  Those are the days that I will just have to suck it up and get through the day being "better" and then when my husband gets home he will have to be the better one while I go for a run, take a long shower, take a drive, or just sit completely still in front of the tv watching a shamelessly, mind numbing, trashy tv show.  

It has taken a while for me to realize that when I can't take it any longer I have to step away for a minute.  It makes me better.  It helps me to be the mom I want to be.  So please, if you are feeling like you need a break, take a break.  A guilt free break.  Don't stress the whole time that you are missing out on crucial moments that define their development.  If you don't have a break you will loose your mind and you will loose yourself.  Not being present, but technically there in body but not mind because you are so worn out is really worse than not being there at all.  After a small break you can really be there!  You can play, inspire, educate, and enjoy.  I am still learning and I am still trying, but I am getting better.

WebMD is not my friend!

Last weekend we found out that this little tiny bump that started out on Jerry's little belly and kept getting increasingly bigger was MRSA.  I also found out, once again, that WebMD is not my friend!  It also didn't help that the crazy bitch of a lady that called to tell me the results did it in the worst possible way:

CB (crazy bitch)- Hello, I need to speak with Mr. Samuelson immediately.
Me- He is at work right now, this is his wife can I give him a message?
CB- No I am not allowed to do that.  I need to speak with him immediately regarding his latest visit to the emergency room.  Please give me a number to contact him.
Me- Um, the person you are looking for is Jerry Samuelson and he is only 2, so I am pretty sure I am the best way you can contact him.
CB- Ok I didn't realize he was so young.  The culture results just came in and the results state that Mr. Samuelson does have a rapid growing case of MRSA.  This is potentially fatal and you need to get with your regular doctor immediately.  Have a nice day.
              And then she HANGS UP!!!

After spending  a few moments screaming at the phone and then crying in the closet over the word "fatal" I then realized "wait a minute...he is playing batman right now!  Lets google this shit!"  After spending several minutes looking on WebMD and not liking what I was reading at all, I started to get dizzy and overwhelmed.  A short panic attack later and I came to my senses that I should be calling somebody because WebMD and being prone to bouts of anxiety attacks have both proven me inadequate in this situation.  Luckily Reed was working in town so he came home and watched the kids while I made more appointments to get Jerry checked out. We had to be a the doctor in 2 hours, which gave me 30 minutes to bleach my entire house and linens....and my skin!  After taking a shower that felt like burned the first layer of my skin off (I was really up close and personal with this sore before we knew what it was!  Poking, washing, and yes...even smelling, a mother's work is very gross) and throwing everything in not only my washer but the one at my mom's house we were ready to go.

Turns out all the worry was for nothing!  We had caught it so early that the diameter of the whole thing was small enough that the antibiotics were getting rid of it and it was not spreading!  Thank God!  It still wasn't easy to hold my little guy down while they lanced open this disgusting sore not once, but TWICE! It sure wasn't easy holding him down while they packed it full of some type of gauze.  And it wasn't easy to not pass out in the Dr. office when they pulled that disgusting thing out of his body.  Very traumatic for the little guy and it is quickly making me get over a fear I didn't even know I had...the fear of holes in my child's body that constantly has to have bandages changed out and peroxide poured into.  It's seriously GROSS and SCARY!

Luckily he is getting much better and each time I have to change that bandage it is looking better and better.  His last day of antibiotics is Friday and the Dr.'s say it should be completely gone by then!  Isn't medicine wonderful?!!!  And if I am trying to find a bright side to this whole situation, I haven't been hungry for about 5 days!!  Looking at MRSA several times a day will make you never want to eat again lol.  Now we just have to wait out these antibiotics inside the house, because apparently you will break out in a terrible rash if you go outside while taking Bactrim.  So we will be lazy, watch too much tv, and try out every inside activity on pintrest until Friday, then we can hopefully get back to life as usual :)

Being all things to all people is exhausting.

                    Being all things to all people is exhausting!

Every now and then when I am really tired I start to get so frustrated at just how much I am needed.  Now don't get me wrong here, when my kids grow up and don't technically "need" me anymore I will cry my eyes out, but lets just vent a little here.

In the course of a single day I feel like I have so many things to do, and if I were to not do them, life would not go on...end of story!

Being a wife:
 My husband expects to have his clothes cleaned, wrinkle free, and hanging organized in the closet every morning. Nothing puts him in a bad mood more than being told early in the morning that since he didn't unpack his bag from last weekend he as officially run out of jeans to wear for work and will just have to febreeze a pair and go on with life.  No, life will not end if he is wearing dirty jeans, I mean come on, I once wore the same sweatpants for 3 days straight because I not only didn't have time to shower, but I didn't even think about changing until my sister casually remarked "are those like your favorite pants?" However, he thinks his life might be ending because I have been rewashing the same load of laundry for over a day because I keep forgetting to put it in the dryer.  He literally NEEDS me to do the laundry...or it will not get done, end of story.

I am still working on exactly what being a wife means...its a concept that seems to eludes me.  Some days it seems like being a wife means making sure his laundry is done, other days it might mean suffering though endless man shows on tv that don't interest me in the slightest, but a good wife sits and watches these shows on the couch cuddled up with her husband.  Some days I think it is just being a listening ear.  Some days it could be having supper cooked on time and giving him time to relax from work.  90% of the time I feel like it means being a sexy little object of his affection that still keeps him guessing, which requires a LOT of work.  Basically, I feel like being a wife means you have to be all things for him.  I am serious!  When the kids and I leave for a couple days this man literally survives of fritos, peanut butter sandwiches, and calls to ask stupid questions like, "um where is the laundry soap?" "Exactly which button do I push on the dishwasher to make it just get the dishes clean?" or my most favorite:
Reed: "Hey, do you have any idea where the remote is?"
Me: "Um , NO, I have been gone for 3 days!"
Reed: "Yeah but I thought you might know where I usually leave it."
Reed NEEDS me to be a wife and keep my shit together, otherwise my marriage will fail.  End of story.
 *Disclaimer- Reed is a great husband, but like with all men, he is completely helpless with most things domestic.  This is in no way trashing my husband by any means.

Mother:
Being a mother is such a huge task that I can't even begin to describe the depth of what it means to be a mother.  All of my children rely on me all the time, all day long, for every single thing.  If I don't feed them, they won't eat.  If I don't change the diaper they will have poop all over their ass.  If I don't fix them some juice they might just dehydrate and die right before my very eyes.  If I don't watch them while they are playing outside a snake may bite their little legs and they will die.  If I don't give them a bath they will be the stinky kid.  If I don't take them to the doctor they will stay sick.  I am the officially doer of all things children.

Every single thing that any of the kids need or want it comes from me.  No matter if Reed is home, it is my job.  It has just been this way so long, I don't think they even think anyone else can make a snack for them or fix some chocolate milk.  It is seriously to the point that even when my parents offer to help and make something as simple as Mac and cheese out the box, by no fault of my parents, my kids think that only I can do it.  I have been trying really hard to give my children a sense of Independence by teaching them to cook simple things ( a concept I was introduced to through a pretty good book "Bringing up Bebe") and making sure they are actively involved in some sense of making supper with me.  This has been pretty helpful, but it is still an issue.  Granted I am flattered that my children think that my cooking is superior to everyone Else's cooking, even if it is just putting grapes in a bowl, it can be frustrating.

I am also the official playmate to the children ALL the time.  It has gotten easier to just do house hold chores dressed up as a super hero so I can always be ready and in character when the kids come wanting me to play...there is a sexy picture for you lol.  Yep, I spend my days around the house wearing capes, iron man masks, painted green skin (the hulk of course), or on days when my children have declared me as acting like "grumpy pants" I have to be the bad guy.  Enter Mommy as the joker, the riddler, the grinch, and my oh so favorite character to portray created my very own son Jerry, the "evil Dr. Bunny!"  Seriously?!  Where do these kids come up with this stuff?!

My kids NEED me to be a kick ass mother or else their quality of life will suffer.  That's a lot of pressure, but it has to be done, end of story.

Amber:
Yes, lets not forget I still have to be myself so I don't loose myself!  Which is a very easy thing to do in the world of mommy land and wifeness.
I have recently started taking more time that usual to take care of myself.  I have been running everyday since about the end of March, but recently I have decided to completely commit and started weight training 3 times a week and still running long distance runs every day.  So yes I have been pretty sore and tired, but extremely satisfied.  I am so much happier when I take time to take care of myself a little.  I feel like my world is going to end if I don't get to squeeze in a workout somewhere during the day...which usually means running at the ass crack of dawn because taking time away from my family to get in a extremely selfish run completely defeats the purpose of running to get rid of stress because I am stressing about being away from my children.

I NEED to find a little inkling of myself in my daily routine or I can't be everything else to everybody because I don't even know who I am.


                Being all things to all people is exhausting!
                                         However,
At the end of the day it is completely rewarding and worthwhile :)


 I just need to remember that during that day when I am changing my 4th shit filled diaper while trying to remember if I washed Reed's nice work shirts on hot or cold and reciting the mantra of "I must thaw out the chicken!"  Without me their world would end, and I should take pride in that, which I do, when I am not exhausted.