Let me back up and tell you how this monumental thing happened. About 4-5 months ago I took up yoga...not by choice. I love to run, but after pushing myself a little too hard to run faster I ended up hurting my ankle and I started saying "I was benched to yoga." Slowly, my hate for yoga turned into LOVE. With this new yoga love happening a completely different outlook of life started to happen. I learned how to meditate (which before I thought was complete bull shit) and though this daily meditation I learned to not only respect my body, but become in awe of what it can truly do. I stopped completely focusing on what is wrong ALL THE TIME, and really live. I have no intention of being obese or unhealthy, but I have every intention of being happy and healthy, even if that means I am not 120 pounds with a 25 inch waist. I started to realize that I want to live a lifestyle of health that can be maintained happily and bring joy. Living on minimal calories with no sugar, no carbs, supplements that could break the bank, all while spending every free moment I have working out and the moments I am not working out thinking about working out really sucked! Most importantly, it could NOT be maintained. Let me be clear here, I am going to keep working out...because it makes me happy and I want to. Not because I feel like I look destroyed.
I have 3 children, while I only made 2 of them, I promise adoption causes just as much physical pain as does pregnancy. Many people would say that my body has been destroyed by pregnancy, and I used to be one of them. I hated what pregnancy did to my body, and I was even ashamed of things that were beyond my control. I used to sit and cry over stretch marks! I was put into a depression when Max was 2 and I was laying on the floor doing endless amounts of crunches to try and "fix my stomach" and Max innocently walked over to me with his Thomas the Train and placed it on my stomach and said "look you have tracks on your tummy for my train!" I didn't eat solid food for 3 days and I cried and cried. I was stupid and incredibly lacking in self confidence.
Did I enjoy my vacation because I am in incredible shape and look my best? Nope. Not even close to looking like I did in high school...probably never will look like a 17 year old again, because I am not supposed to! I enjoyed my vacation because I proudly wore my battle scars on my stomach and hips and enjoyed living in the moment. I paddle bored from the Sea of Cortez to the Pacific Ocean! I took a picture in front of the Cabo arch and not once did I stare at the picture and wish I looked better.
I enjoyed my vacation because when my sister said, "hey lets eat some pizza on the beach in paradise!" I said, "hell yeah" and we ate cheese pizza in the sand, sitting criss-cross-apple sauce, and not once did I look down at my belly and groan. You know why? Because it was damn good and I have a healthy lifestyle routine to where I know a little pizza won't hurt.
No I am not perfect and I have slight breakdowns in my self esteem, especially with the mention of "bikini bridges" and "thigh gap" (seriously, women! WTF?! ) However, I don't have a daily breakdown every time I get dressed in the morning. I don't look in the mirror and hate myself anymore. Most importantly, I don't blame my children for "destroying my body." I grew 2 amazing little people from scratch! That is amazing! Of course something like that is going to leave some marks. I saw my stomach stretch to the point that my skin said "no more" and then it stretched some more...leaving little marks all of my stomach. I spent countless nights on the internet searching for my daughter. I spend many, many hours on my knees praying for her to find us. The dark eye circles, and little wrinkles on my forehead are my prize to remind me that we did find her.
Wear your battle scars with pride. Enjoy your occasional pizza and ice cream. Put that bikini on and go swimming with your kids! And to that bitch who looks at your stretch marks or baby pouch ( what I call my lower stomach where the babies seemed to constantly sit when I was pregnant) with disgust, give her a smile and realize that while you are having a great time with your kids, she is the one comparing bodies rather than enjoying her day.
